“I am my own experiment. I am my own work of art.”

The Material Girl has finally been exposed. Leaked outtakes from her Hard Candy album cover shoot reveal the flaws before they entered the editing room. She is in amazing shape for a 50 year old (she’s in banging shape for a 20 year old!) but her age is really starting to show and her quasi-anorexic look is ageing her. I am not a hater, but don’t you think that she has taken it a wee bit too far? She looks like a body builder gone awry. Somethings should not be warn past a certain age. I’m all for self-expression, but couldn’t she express herself in more clothing? Just putting it on the table.

“This isn’t a democracy. It’s a cheerocracy.”

I am three days into sorority rush and my patience is disappearing even faster than my voice is. Round Robbins are done, but we still have themes, house tours, and prefs ahead of us. I don’t think that I realized last year just how much effort our house puts into rush. It’s worth it in the end, but at the mo, the speed dating/girl flirting/beyond fake conversations are KILLING me. The average convo goes something like this:

[me]: *feigned enthusiasm* Hey! How are you!
[rushee]: OMG I am so so so awesome! I just love rush it is soooo fun!
[me]: *skeptical but with enthusiasm* Really?
[rushee]: Ya! I totes don’t even feel the freezing cold weather. I just love meeting all of yall and talking to new people. It’s the best.
[me]: Uh huh. So what do you do around campus?
[rushee]: *acting as though they haven’t planned/fabricated their answers* I am just sooo into philanthropy. I just really like people, and kids, and animals, and plants, and everything! Ya. Also, I am pre-med!
[me]: *vomit a little in my mouth, imagine rushee bald and interesting* Ok well…it was nice meeting you.

I know. Ew. There are some fantastically uninteresting/superficial girls coming through rush. Rush in and of itself is a totally unnatural process. It is to be expected, but that doesn’t make it any easier to stomach. Oh well…it’s all downhill from here.

“This isn’t a school, it’s hell with fluorescent lighting.”

First day of classes 2009…I cannot believe it. I would love to write about the mindblowing sex that I have been having since I returned on Sunday but since I am in a library filled with prying eyes and gossip girls…I’ll just share a website with you. Here are some fun/funny/wildly inappropriate things to do on the first day of class.

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
22. Address the professor as “your excellency”.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!”

And don’t worry, I will fill you in on the salacious details of my private life at a later (more private) time. Bring on the weekend!

“We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What’s our vector, Victor?”

Flight back stateside last night = airplane movie time. What is better than sitting in economy for 8 and a half hours next to an oversized dude that snores watching bad movies on a 2 and a half inch screen? Ok, a lot of things. Complain as I do, I still really enjoy the inflight movie experience. I am totally that annoying person who gets overly involved in her movie of choice and will laugh/cry/feel right along with the characters…which manifests as me being awkwardly loud and getting dirty looks from everyone in front of me.

I flew United, so the choice was not nearly as extensive as say the new Virgin Atlantic/British Airways entertainment systems – 7 movie channels, 2 TV channels, not flatscreen – but it was nice to avoid the paradox of plenty. I had just enough to watch to keep me occupied, but I didn’t have to make the life or death choice of watching Tropic Thunder, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, or Atonement. I watched Nights in Rodanthe, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and Death Race (in that order). If I had gotten some sci-fi action in there, I would have all of my genre bases covered.

Nights in Rodanthe was decent. It wasn’t as earth-shatteringly beautiful and romantic as the previews suggested it would be, so going in with Notebook-esque expectations, you’ll be disappointed. I’m sure that the book was better. Although it was amazingly predictable, it was strangely heart wrenching, and I did find myself tearing up…something about unrequited love just turns me into a blubbering adolescent girl. The aforementioned oversized dude seemed to take notice of this, as he offered me his dinner salad in broken English. Random kindess from a stranger only made me more teary…until he pulled out a Russian porno mag and I became incredibly creeped out. His 30 minute bathroom break that ensued was much appreciated. (Idk if the United Mile High Club has ever seen that kind of (solo) action)

Vicky Cristina Barcelona was one of the best movies that I have seen in awhile. I may be biased because I am essentially in love with Penelope Cruz; she is smoking hot. She makes me reconsider the whole “having-sex-with-guys” thing. Jk. But seriously. If I kissed that girl, I would like it. The movie was romantic, and dramatic, and comical…I really loved Scarlett Johansson’s character and her dynamic with Javier Bardem. Barcelona, both as a backdrop and as a major plot element was entrancing, and the Spanish accents/impassioned exchanges between Cruz and Bardem forever switching between Spanish and English literally made me melt. Probably better in the privacy of your own home with your lovah than sitting on a plane next to superhorny oversized foreign dude. Just a thought.

Death Race…I cannot get into. I initially watched the last 3 minutes while flipping around channels after VCB finished, and in that three minutes the entire plot was revealed. I still subjected myself to watching it in its entirity (I mean, even with my newfound love for Penelope Cruz I could not pass up the chance to watch Jason Statham in action…check out his back!) All backs aside, this movie reached new levels of ridiculous. If it was supposed to be ironic/a comment on the insane level that reality television has gotten to, it is borederline substantive. But it wasn’t. I LOVE car movies. Blues Brothers, Cars, Gone in 60 Seconds, Mad Max, Wanted…I have never been so excited for the release of a movie as I am about Fast and Furious (2009). But this one tanked…sorry.

Too bad Airplane wasn’t showing.

“You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine.” – Role Models (2009)

school boy: Hey nice cow outfit. Where can I pick one of those up at, the gay zoo? Homo. Danny: No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet. Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her.

Role Models is a wildly underrated comedy delight. If you can get past all of the f-bombs and homoerotic/dick references, it was actually a feel good movie. My Dad said it reminded him of a dirty version of Meatballs, whatever the hell that means. I went to see it with my entire family + my grandfather. AWKWARD. Imagine sitting next to a grandparent (yours or anyones) as this line is delivered:

Gayle: Me and the judge have a special relationship… I don’t wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs.

Yaaa…wow. Blowjobs are really a no go zone w/ old people. They should have put a warning on the movie. Of course I, with the maturity level of an adolescent boy, found it thoroughly hilarious/will definitely see it again. I love how they tied together little boys, sex, energy drinks, KISS, community service, Dragon’s Laire (ya…it’s apparently a real thing), and gratuitous boob shots. The guys were awesome, but respect must be paid to Jane Lynch: Gayle brought the movie to a whole new level.

Kudos to Paul Rudd.

“It’s a Theory. It’s Probably Wrong”

You're awesome. Get well soon. You're fired.

How do these youtube stars rise so quickly to fame. All of a sudden, Mitchell Davis‘s videos are everywhere, but they have been up on youtube for the better part of a year. I mean he is funny and clever but not that funny or clever. Or Fred Figglehorn. Maybe I am just living under a fantastically uncool rock. Faaantastic.

“”Manland”? Now you got a theme park between your legs? It’s Tool Time!”

The creation of the show Tool Academy (a show based around the men that embody what is arguably my favorite word) is proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy. Thanks God. I can only hope that the “men” chosen closely resemble the dude from My New Haircut. Fuckin skanks.

“I hear the nothing fight. I start getting so excited. “

There is a game that we play with each other. I jokingly call it The Cold War, but it is really just an unfunny way of describing our extreme passive aggressiveness. We have yet to master the art of communication and the Atlantic Ocean that is currently dividing us does not help. Our exchanges are in the form of stilted phone conversations, facebook messages, texts, and late night frantic and hazy AIM chat sessions.

Last night, we spent 2 hours going back and forth on gchat with him telling me that he is in charge of our relationship and me retorting that he is utterly clueless and that I am in fact the boss:

4:12 AM
[man friend]: haha
where is the fantasy place??
neverland?
[man friend]: i mean if i ever wanted to c u i would be like, listen, your coming over tomorrow’
[me]: hello offensive, meet my foot in your ass
[me]:the reality of the situation…is that i am the boss
[man friend]: please. some of the most respected leaders in history understand non verbal control. they know they are in charge, and they dont feel the need to prove it
[me]:you are kind of funny
i do miss you
even though you are clearly not the boss
[manfriend]: , thanks. i miss u too

You get the gist. Sometimes it is so much easier to be mean/have the fake argument than just…be nice. Ok, so definitely not a ground-breaking revelation; the Nothing Fight is a way of life. Cut to the makeup sex.

Ok so…at least we aren’t like that.

“Just to see us through hard times.”

Wait...you think this is a joke? That's funny, because I'm serious.

The porn industry is seeking a federal bailout. Two of the most upstanding mega-moguls in the industry, Hustler’s Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild’s Joe Francis, will be asking for $5 billion. As Francis asserts, the money is needed “just to see us through hard times.” Apologies for going all Michael Scott but…that’s what she said. You got that the upstanding thing was sarcastic, right?

So…get out there and picket for porn.

“He was hit by a Dodge, which I found funny and ironic.”

Maybe it’s the Chardonnay, but I think that I spoke too soon in my last post; Horatio Caine is the man. If Jim Carrey is doing impersonations of him, he’s gotta be doing *something* right. I haven’t watched CSI: Miami in ages and although Horatio is as annoying as ever, I can’t help but revel in his deliberate cheesiness. Horatio’s character is self-reflective; he’s in on the joke. The bright, super sweet candy colors may be a bit jarring, but are so emblematic of the glitterati Miami/South Beach lifestyle that so many of us living in colder climates envy. Season 5 is doing some pretty exciting things by changing the conventional CSI template…the filming is – at least for mainstream primetime – cutting edge. It has evolved.

One thing that the Chardonnay can’t mask? The cast. Puh-lease. They are still my least favorite of the three. Sorry David Caruso.