“Three is a charm/Two is not the same/I don’t see the harm/So are you game?”

The original queen of blackout is back in the zone and out of control. I don’t know if it’s the new “Womanizer,” but it’s pretty catchy, the bridge is a strangely reminiscent of every Cascada song ever made, and the bass is infectious. If parents thought that “If You Seek Amy” was controversial, I’m sure that the PTA will love this gem.

Keeping it classy since 1981.

*If this video is taken down briefly, you can also catch a clip of the song on Perez Hilton’s website.

“It was fun for, like, 20 minutes, but the next day, I just didn’t feel good about myself.”

I can’t blame the chocolate cake and coffee churning in my stomach for my current level of queasiness: Kristin Cavallari makes a purported $90,000 per episode of The Hills. Which, at least in my opinion, is kind of a lot considering her job description.

Kristin Cavallari’s Contract

$10,000 for maintaining waif look
$1,000 everytime Audrina doles out the “dead in the eyes look”
$5,000 for making Audrina cry/show human emotions
$10,000 for every bang session with Justin Bobby and/or Stephen Colletti.
$1,000 for dropping Cali speak i.e. “That ride was gnarly,” “You messed with the wrong chick dude,” “Hella” used in any context. (For disambiguations, see Wikipedia entry.)
The remaining $60,000 or so most likely falls into the amount-paid-to-never-make-a-movie-like-Fingerprints-ever-ever-again scategory.

The Bitch is Back on The Hills tonight, September 29th at 10/9c.

” I only use my sick days for hang-overs and soap opera weddings.”

My 1 pm trip to Mem Gym treated me to an experience I have not had in years; daytime soap operas. More specifically, Days of Our Lives. The television that is usually tuned to ESPN had, by some strangely wonderful oversight, been changed to NBC. The teletext did not hinder my viewing experience, it only enhanced it; I have never been much for the heavy handed non diegetic music anyway. Days of Our Lives has been going strong since 1965, and although the characters have changed, the plots haven’t.

Why Soap Operas Actually Rock

1. A single phone call can last an entire episode. “Don Juan? It’s me. Ivonne. I have something to tell you…” Cut scene

2. Someone is always trying to kill someone else’s sibling/parent/long lost relative

3. Guarenteed at least one character just got out of the hospital, rehab, or prison. Bonus points for the trifecta.

4. A 5th grader who has never seen [insert obnoxious soap opera title here] could, within seconds, figure out the plot of episode 6, season 20.

5. The likelihood of any two storylines, let alone all six of them, happening concurrently is completely bogus, and therefore comic gold. Your Mom is banging your boyfriend who you found out fathered your comatose sister’s daughter who is now in juvenile detention?! Turn the volume up, don’t mind if I do!

6. People who watch One Tree Hill/The OC etc pretend that they are above soap operas, when these programs are actually just glorified iterations of soap operas with slightly better production credits.

7. To state the obvious, the transparently shitty acting and the male hairstyles. Iced tips…really? They haven’t been cool since Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys got fat in the mid 90s.

8. They are wonderfully analogous to a one night stand: afterward you feel dumb, dirty, tricked and mistreated, but rally on the notion that you will never have to see them again (although, if you have the [channel] number, you may want to)

9. The British and Aussie soaps (Hollyoaks, Eastenders, Neighbors, Home & Away). In 5th grade I perfected my Australian accent and held a dream of being a fat old bloke who spent his days in a pub drinking endless pints of Guiness.

10. The knowledge that, on their sick days, our fathers are not watching Sportcenter or CNN as claimed, but catching up on their soaps and maybe some Oprah.

It takes a rather special sort of person to follow soaps. You have to be highly intelligent (to understand them), & thick as a brick (to want to).

-Alan Coren

“Can’t wait to see ‘Where The Wild Things Are.’ Not to brag, but I’ve read the book.”

Don’t pretend you aren’t excited for Where the Wild Things Are.

Arcade Fire – Wake Up is the music in the trailer. The movie hits theaters October 16th.

“I thought you only murdered boys.” “I go both ways.” – Jennifer’s Body

Is it so wrong of me to get a small sense of satisfaction from the knowledge that Jennifer’s Body bombed? Its 5th place box office gross this weekend was a measly $6.8 million, putting it a couple million behind Love Happens (ya, another Aniston romcom), and a full $24.8 million behind Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. I don’t have too much to be happy about: between the rest of its theater run and DVD release, “Body” will likely cover its $16 million production budget, but after a summer spent inundated by Fox, I can’t help but indulge in a Chesire Cat smile moment. I’m a fan of Juno‘s Diablo Cody, but the horror comedy genre is a serious tough sell, especially when you’re marketing high school to an R rated audience. Had they forgone a little flesh and a few f-bombs, I doubt the movie would have floundered so badly.

That said, I’m still totally seeing it.

“The walls are coming down.”

A roadtrip to DC in August introduced me to the band Fanfarlo. They represent an eclectic brand of London Indie pop that led to them touring with Snow Patrol and playing in South by Southwest in 2009. “The Walls Are Falling Down” was the first song I ever heard by them, and I fell in love with their use of trumpet, violin, and the overall composition and pacing of the song.

I somehow forgot to download their album Reservoir (it’s only $5.99), but was reminded to after visiting the sixty one per a friend’s recommendation. The site, a crowd sourced radio that plays music that’s going to be huge in 6 months, features a bunch of the group’s music. I’m not typically a slave to the indie wave, but this one is worth surfing. Check out more of Fanfarlo’s music here.

“One day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle.”

…life is really like this

Our lives drifts along with normal things happening. Some ups, some downs, but nothing to go down in history about. Nothing so fantastic or terrible that it’ll be told for a thousand years. That’s why people invent fights. That’s why we’re drawn to sports. That’s why we act like everything that happens to us is such a big deal.
We’re trying to make our life into the fairy tale. – Kurt Vonnegut

“TGIFF: Thank God It’s Follow Friday”

Exploring the Twitterverse this weekend, I discovered a wealth of hilarious Twatters. I’m not big into Follow Friday or the other regular trending topics (although Music Monday is sometimes worthwhile), but I’m constantly looking for amusing people to follow. The Twitnomenon hasn’t fully caught on at UVA (re: at all), so looking outside of this limited network has been essential. [Also essential: affixing twit/tweet onto as many unrelated words as possible. Post rating so far: 2.] Here are some of the best of the best people on Twitter that you probably aren’t following.

@badbanana: Hugh Hefner is getting a divorce? Well, there goes his conservative Catholic fan base.

@mj_romano:Fraternities are the second highest risk for an insurance company. What’s #1 you may ask? Nuclear waste facilities.

@dutybarbie: I think that they should put pictures of missing transvestites on cartons of Half and Half.

@TheFatJew: I ran out of the fat girl’s apartment im in a taxi in my boxers holding a box of pretzels and a 10 dollar bill this night is fucking amazing.

@TFLN: (773): Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note. (773): You spelled “worthless” wrong.

@DrBadhands: Anyone want to go eat pancakes with me? Seriously. Nothing weird, nothing perverted or gross. Just pancakes. And anal.

@PBones: Just once I’d like to see an honest beer ad: “Please drink the maximum non-lethal quantity. Daily.”

@One_Line: Swine flu won’t really hit home with me until Magic Johnson gets it.

@awryone: Teaching my daughter about the birds and the bees. Specifically, that most bees will expect handjobs after the movie.

@theduty: i try to use ‘penis’ as my password for everything online…but it just keeps telling me “sorry, it’s not long enough.” hmpf. …words out.

@shoesonwrong: Every time I hear Sarah Palin attempt full sentences, I feel she should be living in a state-funded home other than the governor’s mansion.

“When you look at a cupcake, you’ve got to smile.”

I tend to immediately archive junk mail. Victoria’s Secret, Zappos, AT&T and Urban Outfitters all skip the inbox. If I want an online coupon later, I check the “Shopping” label of my Gmail. For some reason though, I cannot seem to part ways with Sprinkles Cupcakes. It’s ridiculous really; their closest location is all the way in DC so they are wholly unattainable, but for some reason, as soon as I see a “Say It With Sprinkles” email in my inbox, my mouth goes the way of one of Pavlov’s dogs.

Besides the shot of caramel in my coffee, I almost always prefer savory over sweet, but when presented with a cupcake, I can’t resist. In fact, after staring at cupcake salacity for the past ten minutes, this coffee seems wholly insufficient. I may be forced to go home and bake a batch of Funfetti cupcakes.

The Customer is [Not] Always Right

Slippery Christmas Ice
Retail | United Kingdom

(This occurred two days after Christmas Day on the refunds desk.)

Customer: “These slippers don’t fit! I’ve been the same shoe size for years. It must be these new European sizes, I can’t even get my foot in!”

Me: “That’s no proble,m sir. I’ll just refund these and give you a credit note, then you can go and choose some slippers that fit.”

Customer: “This ruined my Christmas, you know!”

(I take the slippers and examine them for any faults or damage, while the customer continues to rant.)

Me: “Sir, did you remove the tissue paper from the toes before you tried these on?”

Customer: “Oh…”

(Needless to say, the slippers did in fact fit. Christmas was saved.)

NotAlwaysRight.com