“So this is spring break.” “Yep.” “Funny. It’s not how it looked in the brochures.”

spring break

Top 10 Spring Break Party Destinations for College Students

spring-break-cancun-day-parties

You SO want to be this girl.

1.Cancun Mexico
The spring break destination for the Girls Gone Wild wanna be in you. Expect wet t-shirt contests galore, rail liquor loaded with rohypnol, guidos and herpes, herpes, herpes. Bad decision making is expected, ditto lax condom usage. When you Google “Spring Break,” the first result to pop up is its Wikipedia entry. “In locales such as Cancún, Mexico, spring break activities traditionally include binge drinking, recreational drug use and casual sex.” Anyone who says they’re going for the snorkeling during peak season is lying. Sisqo hosted an MTV Spring Break Special in Cancun. Even if you DO have dumps like a truck, truck, truck, this alone should be reason enough to avoid.

devil

Worth it.

2.Acapulco Mexico
VIP! OPEN BAR! UNLIMITED DOS EQUIS! STS will do just about anything to get you to go to Acapulco. Not advertised: airport scams, shitty beaches, drug wars, swine flu. Reconsider risking death to dance with the devil. If you have to go, save a little money by booking a one way ticket. You’re not coming back.

titanic

Nope.

3.Party Cruise to Bahamas
Party and cruise in the same sentence shouldn’t sell you on this destination. 90% of the people on board will be students, but what about the other 10? Not the best location to bump into Dad i.e. Roman Polanski. Awkward. Imagine, 100s of drunk strangers on one boat together with sea sickness, food poisoning and STDs. Even the worst frat parties have multiple escape routes. On a boat, you’re fucked. Forget about having sex with [insert name here] Real World star host in the miniscule cabins. Go somewhere else and just book a half day booze cruise? You’ll thank me later.

beer shirt

4.Mazatlan Mexico
Mazatlan will cause you to reevaluate the saying ‘What happens on Spring Break STAYS on Spring Break.’ Includes: Morals, dignity, underwear, the local you married, valuables, Daddy’s credit card. Excludes: VD, memories, that weird rash on your face.

awkward04

5.South Padre Island
Upsides: kegs are delivered to the beach, you’re still in America so there must be a Waffle House somewhere. Downsides: you’re on an island in Texas that will make you think of your father every time you go down. Have fun with that.

sbrc_lg

6.Jamaica
The resorts are beautiful. Stay on them. Everything is legal in Jamaica. Including killing spring breakers. Instead of going there, pop in an old Shaggy CD (Beenie Man will suffice), and YouTube Usain Bolt breaking the 100m World Record in the 2008 Olympics. It’s a lot safer.

high five

7.Panama City Beach
The “Spring Break Capital of the World” sees over 100,000 students flock to its shores every year. Panama City Spring Breaks are sponsored by such reputable companies as Victoria’s Secret, Xbox, and Banana Boat. If you were the shit in highschool, you probably went here, stayed at a Holiday Inn/Best Western/some variation there of, drove drunk, got naked, and generally partied like a rockstar. In highschool. Onwards and upwards folks.

8.Puerto Vallarta
Puerto Vallarta is known as La Ciudad Mas Amigable en el Mundo (The Friendliest City in the World). Translation: pack a gun.

paradise-island-harbour-resort-hotel_1b

9.Nassau Bahamas
Bacardi is made in the Bahamas, so expect a complimentary cocktail once you clear customs. It’s all downhill from there. The Atlantis on Paradise Island sets the standard for accommodation in the Bahamas. Unfortunately, the Atlantis is actually the exception, not the rule. Expect to see lots of cruise ships (i.e. frenzied tourists con fanny pack), drug dealers, and overly friendly men. If your hotel boasts a “man made beach,” it is actually just a 10 x 10 meter shallow pool sectioned off from the harbor. The booze is free flowing, but isn’t it everywhere? Every side of the beach is the shitty side unless you’re staying at Atlantis.

cabo

10.Cabo San Lucas Mexico
No wet tshirt contests? How is this even on the Top Ten List?

One Response to “So this is spring break.” “Yep.” “Funny. It’s not how it looked in the brochures.”

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