“I believe implicitly that every man in the world is fascinated with either sharks or dinosaurs.”

Oh, you are so fucked.

I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that Shark Week was created to give America/the world an excuse to do nothing for a week. My boyfriend has turned me into an Animal Planet/Discovery Channel buff, and he made it very clear last week that I was not to disturb him or request to change the channel during the much anticipated Shark Week. In recent memory, I haven’t been stateside during the 22 year old tradition, so I’m pretty excited to brush up on my knowledge of shark bites, speeds, builds, etc. If you are reading this right now and thinking: wow, what a tool, that’s ok; I know your ass is pumped about Shark Week too/you screamed during the 9 pm airing of “Blood in the Water” last night. Shark Week runs until Thursday the 6th.

“Reality [TV] is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”

Lauren Conrad [formerly] of The Hills: $75,000 per episode
Jon & Kate [currently] of Jon Minus Kate Still Have 8: $75,000 per episode
Dancing with the Stars contestants: $200,000 for the entire season
The average reality star: $0

I’ve been on the reality TV wave for awhile now, and although it can hardly be considered quality programming, I love me some “real” fake drama. VH1′s Daisy of Love, Bravo’s Top Chef & Real Housewive franchise, Fox’s American Idol, MTV’s The Real World, E!’s Kendra; my Sundays are spent watching marathons of the aforementioned programs (awkward). Although I realize that being on the show probably isn’t as enjoyable as watching the weekly carnage, I had no idea of the conditions endured by the vast majority of reality TV contestants until reading Edward Wyatt of the New York Times piece “For TV Contestants, A Harsh Reality.”

Unscripted reality series make up a quarter of television programming, and it’s not hard to ascertain why; they are wildly popular, cheap to produce, and relatively easy to recruit for. Although participants are warned of the stress of production in their contracts, many have no idea of what they are actually signing up for. Days typically start at 6/7 am, and last through to 1/2 in the morning so that each participant can film their confessionals. They have no access to television or their cell phones or laptops, and become little more than lifeforms subsisting in the fishbowl…if that fishbowl was filled with vodka. Contestants on shows from The Bachelor to Hell’s Kitchen to Project Runway all attest to the limited food but unlimited booze present on set. On VH1′s dating shows the drinking is always out in the open, but former contestants want it to be known that this was the rule on other shows too. I’m a college student; I’m all for free flowing liquor and good times, but even I know that Spring Break doesn’t last forever for a reason, and the conditions endured by these contestants could quickly devolve into hell.

People are willing to do a lot for a little (re: every season of The Real World ever made), but reality show producers are not making it clear enough just what you’re going to be up against as soon as you sign on the dotted line. For many of them, the conditions are worth the risk, but it does beg the question, how far are we willing to go for our 15 minutes of fame.

“Things bros like: Bachelor Parties, Entourage, and Not Calling Girls When They Say They Will.”

The best site you’ve seen this month. This site is a new addendum to the Man Law. Check out Bro’s Like This Site.

Thursday, April 2, 2009
#1 Talking about how wasted they got on the weekend
When you ask a bro what he is doing on the weekend, you might as well be asking him, “Where and how much will you be drinking?” I mean seriously, if your answer to this ever consists of an answer that includes activities that don’t involve some sort of aspect of drinking, then they are not a bro and most likely, they are a bro-hater.

Bros love being able to brag about their drinking plans to friends at work. Bros especially love to rehash stories on Monday morning about their wild weekend, which inevitably end with the phrase, “Dude we were so fucked up!”. Extra bro points include:

Daytime Drinking: Self-explanatory, Sunday Fundays are a huge drinking day. Pretty much anytime the weather is nice it is an excuse to drink. “Dude, the sun was shining so we started shit up early man, started throwing some balls around in the backyard at like 2. Dude we were so fucked up!”

The earlier the better too. If you can honestly say you started drinking at like 7:30 AM, you are the fucking man. “Dude we started it up at 7:30, obvs we were crushing red bulls and 5 hour energys but we got fucked up!”

Having a ridiculously high bar tab – The more open tabs at a bar the better, and if you can have multiple open tabs at multiple bars, then you are a bro-king. Leaving your credit card at a bar chalks up huge bro-points too

Drinking after the bar closes – preferably at the bar – By doing this not only do you prove your bro-worthiness by being able to drink later than is mandated by the government, but it also proves that you are such a bro that you have connections at a bar and they will serve you after hours. Serious bro-getimacy.

Blacking out – One time a coworker stated to me that he had never gotten to the point where he had blacked out, and asked me if I had. I told him, “Umm ch’aa, last Saturday.” You see, that is because I am a bro and I get fucked up. A lot of people might be embarrassed to say they forgot what happened last night, not bros. Revealing this will most likely get you a “Dude, that’s awesome,” along with an immediate phone call to let everyone know that person “blacked the fuck out last night.”

Hangover– Nothing shows just how drunk you got like how hung-over you got. In fact these stories might be even more entertaining than your drunk stories. More value is given to stories that include vomiting, especially in ridiculous places. “Dude, I was so fucking hung-over at work I puked all over my bosses cube.” This type of story would immediately elicit high fives and fist pounds from your bros because this type of story could be retold by your bros and immediately give them “bro-cred” for even having a bro as cool as you.

Bottom line – Bros love to get fucked up and they love to let everyone know just how fucked up they got.

“I am going to be the biggest Austrian celebrity since Hitler.”

Let me save you $10 and a week full of cockmares; Bruno was, bar none, the most uncomfortable and ridiculous movie I have ever seen. I couldn’t fully enjoy it because it was so acutely awkward. I spent the majority of the movie with my scarf over my eyes wishing with every inch of my body that I had instead gone to see Harry Potter 6. The combination of penis overload, bondage costumes, mano a mano dildo fights and gay adoption with Middle America, Middle Eastern politics, ultimate fighting and the marines proved deadly for me. As my father so eloquently put it, Bruno makes Borat look like a family friendly Disney film.

Although the majority of the highlights were in the previews, Bruno did contain a few other gems. Most notably:

His baby OJ (allegedly, a “dick magnet”)
His Ode to Middle Eastern leaders
Buzzword: Carbicide

“Puck you, Miss.”

In serious need of good television during the summertime season drought? Rent HBO’s “Summer Heights High: Season 1″ on DVD. It follows various groups of people in an Australian school, specifically the antics of Ja’mie, Jonah, & Mr. G, all created and performed by the shows writer/producer Chris Lilley.

Think Little Britain + Borat + off the cuff hilariousness. Easily the best thing out of Down Under since Hugh Jackman.

“People are pretty much alike. It’s only that our differences are more susceptible to definition than our similarities.”

Jon Gosselin’s boo, 23 year-old Hailey Glassman (who he reportedly proposed to while on vacation in St. Tropez with Christian Audigier this past week), bears a striking resemblance to Tara Reid. Sure, they have different color eyes, but the similarity is there.

Jimmy Fallon on Hailey:

She’s upset that the media keeps portraying her as a “slutty party girl with a history of arrests.” She’s hoping instead to be recognized for her work as a “fame-hungry home-wrecker.”

“Basketball is the MTV of sports.”

The Lakers offer to unrestricted free agent Lamar Odom for $9 million per season has been taken off the table after Odom’s agent Jeff Schwartz failed to respond on the player’s behalf. He may be heading back to the Miami Heat to join Dwayne Wade or over to the Dallas Mavericks.

Personally, I would like to see the Candy Man back in LA; Odom was an asset to the Lakers, and without him the team will have to depend on Andrew Bynum and former Houston Rockets player Ron Artest. The start to the regular season is a long way off, but keep tabs on trade talks, free agents, and the latest courtside news at HoopsHype.

“What’s he doing here?!”

Tonight on “Daisy of Love,” London returns. The previews from last week intimated that it was either him or Daisy’s ex-boyfriend circa “Rock of Love” that would be re-appearing this week. Since London left DoL, I’ve been waiting for him to return…or for them to announce him getting his own VH1 show. Stay tuned tonight for Chi Chi & Sinister’s breakup.

“You ain`t seen nothing yet, and the best is yet to come.” (1999)

Michael Jackson has officially been declared dead by paramedics. RIP Jacko. The world will mourn this loss.

“America perceives NYC prep school kids as being very stuckup, very snobbish, and very sort of bitchy and wealthy.”

NYC Prep > Gossip Girl?

I made the mistake of tuning in to NYC Prep on Bravo on Tuesday night. I felt mildy creepy and deserving of the label of cradle robber stalker watching a bunch of rich 16/17 year old rich kids discuss their sexual exploits, spending money, and various misadventures had in the big city and/or the Hamptons. Bravo has cornered the market on cable reality TV, and has churned out some serious crowd pleasers. Last week’s “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” finale hit the drama-ball out of the park. NYC Prep combines reality TV with the Gossip Girl fad, and promises to be a hit for the network. Bravo is pulling in a younger demographic without fully alienating their established viewership (people enjoy being privy to the world of the rich and powerful). Tune in Tuesdays @ 9 PM, and be on the lookout for a sneak peak of Bravo’s new series “Miami Social,” premiering July 14th @ 10 PM.