“All the world’s a stage? Or the world is my oyster? I need to know so I can wear the right shoes.”

Tim Siedell (@badbanana), perhaps the cleverest Tweeter in the game, was recently interviewed by the authors of Think2Design. Unfortunately, having no pull, I am unable to score sitdowns with celebrities (even of the homemade, Twitter/YouTube variety), so I have transplanted this one from the Think2Design blog to mine.

Why is Tim Siedell so damn funny?

Tim Siedell, creative director and co-founder of Fuse Industries, has received a lot of attention—from Fast Company to NPR—for his humorous Tweets as badbanana. He has been re-tweeted, plagiarized and sited in numerous “best of” lists. He’s not funny in a-man-walked-into-a-bar kind of way, but in a David Sedaris kind of way (think donuts, time machines and bucket lists.)

Not sure if there will be donuts at my early morning meeting. Better take my FryDaddy. — badbanana 8:36 PM Jul 13th

I went back in time and stepped on some butterflies and now Jeb Bush isn’t president anymore. You’re welcome. — badbanana 8:13 AM Aug 31st

Got my to-do list and bucket list mixed up. I guess my household projects will just have to wait until after I win a Tony. – badbanana 10:22 AM Jun 20th

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE
Tim Siedell (@badbanana on Twitter)

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
The simple life. A cabin. A pond. As long as there’s free Wi-Fi, I’m good.

What is your greatest fear?
Getting too stuffed on bread before the meal arrives.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Everything. But if I had to pick one, my self-loathing.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Being my landlord.

Which living person do you most admire?
The oldest. The hottest. The most dangerous. But it’s rare for one person to hold all three titles simultaneously.

What is your greatest extravagance?
I splurge and buy only the finest brands of aerosol cheese.

What is your current state of mind?
Nebraska. Believe me, it’s a state of mind.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Willingness to wear a towel while walking around in the locker room.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Recklessly wanting to make a boyfriend jealous.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I tend to say “Not guilty, your honor” a little too often.

When and where were you happiest?
Pondering my answer two questions ago.

Who are your favorite writers?
Lawyers. Ever read their stuff? Hilarious.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to heal the sick and feed the hungry. Either that, or drawing.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
The happy writer.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Morning people. They make my coffee and smile so I don’t have to.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Winning the Nobel Peace Prize for inventing time travel. Trust me on this one.

Where would you like to live?
The Saturday after payday.

What is your most treasured possession?
Earlier this year, I converted my stock portfolio into a Subway footlong. I’m holding on to that baby for retirement.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Two and a Half Men.

What do you most value in your friends?
A willingness to help out at any hour, dig deep holes, and not ask many questions.

What are your favorite names?
If I had a band, I’d name it either Filthy Congress or Feature Creep.

What is it that you most dislike?
I don’t like lactose intolerant people. I’m lactose intolerant intolerant.

What is your greatest regret?
I sometimes wonder if my lack of wealth and power may be holding me back.

How would you like to die?
Crushed beneath a pile of cheerleaders.

What is your motto?
Seize the Donut.

-taken from “Portrait of a Master Tweeter” on Think2Design on WordPress

“Twitter taught me to be too concise. Real life conversations have me thinking, “Jesus, man, that’s ten tweets already. Get to the point.”"

Blogging about microblogging seems a little redundant, but I can’t help myself; perusing Twitter during the occasional boring lecture and procrastination session has opened my world up to a wealth of hilarious Tweeters. I did a run through of about 10 in September, but here are the latest and greatest:

@FakeAPStyleBook: Active verbs should be used frequently, just like your mom.

@FakeAPStyleBook: While it’s tempting to call them “baristi” because of the Italian roots, the plural of “barista” is “journalism majors.”

@Fitzright: No, Gazpacho is a dish best served cold. Revenge is no dish. Moron.

@Fitzright: The exact moment I decided to embrace my inner-asshole my life got much better. Except it sounds gay.

@JasonPermenter: Sighhhh. Another Sunday morning, another handle of Jack.

@JasonPermenter: Getting pretty anxious about the lack of major celebrity deaths in the past couple of weeks.

@ScottSimpson: They’ve got a mall kiosk for everything these days. I just got my prostate checked. For $50. Outside the mall. Inside a van marked “Kiosk.

@ScottSimpson: After 10 years of marriage, I have to find new ways to compliment my wife’s cooking. “The best prison food in the world”: not my best work.

@phyllisstein: No YOU’RE drinking alone and watching Hocus Pocus on YouTube.

@phyllisstein: I guess I’ll bring a wine. What pairs better with macaroni-and-cheese pizza, Thunderbird or Night Train?

@sween: There’s a thin line between wanting a child and wanting a vasectomy. That line is at the Disney Store.

@sween: No one will believe it when Rick Astley dies.

@detweiler: Facebook taught me, I can make any sentence melodramatic by appending “FML”. “Just won the lottery. Going home to bang some strippers. FML”

@detweiler: Drunk by six, or as I like to say, “Sorry I’m late, traffic’s a bitch.”

@texburgher: Pizza for breakfast is delicious, albeit somewhat unconventional. My favorite kind of breakfast pizza is actually just a fifth of bourbon.

@texburgher: My 4th grader’s pride in his homeroom teacher’s Twilight calendar is inversely proportionate to my confidence in her teaching abilities.

@eoporto: In the battle of Too Much Perfume Lady and Short Order Curry Cook, THIS ENTIRE SUBWAY CAR LOSES.

@eoporto: If you think I’m not using today as an excuse to eat cookies for breakfast, you’d be wrong.

@davislove: Sitting in the car with my niece & nephew while the people in the car next to me are smoking. Not cigs. Likely meth. Stay classy Portland.

@davislove: The sign on the door said “WOMEN” but from what I saw in the bathroom, they’re clearly using the term loosely.

“$9 for organic spinach?! Give me a break!”

I’m pretty sure that Twitter is just a joke run wildly awry. For most common folk, it is highly debatable that anyone actually cares what you or your cat is doing at any given time. Users send banal, sub-par one liners into the blue nowhere with the hopes that someone, somewhere is giving them an approving nod. In reality, using Twitter as a non-celebrity guarantees that 1) your cool points are out the window and 2) you are something of a narcissist and 3) Facebook is now inadequate for your procrastination needs. I’m guilty on all charges, but hopefully my levels of Twitterbuse don’t remotely mirror this.

“TGIFF: Thank God It’s Follow Friday”

Exploring the Twitterverse this weekend, I discovered a wealth of hilarious Twatters. I’m not big into Follow Friday or the other regular trending topics (although Music Monday is sometimes worthwhile), but I’m constantly looking for amusing people to follow. The Twitnomenon hasn’t fully caught on at UVA (re: at all), so looking outside of this limited network has been essential. [Also essential: affixing twit/tweet onto as many unrelated words as possible. Post rating so far: 2.] Here are some of the best of the best people on Twitter that you probably aren’t following.

@badbanana: Hugh Hefner is getting a divorce? Well, there goes his conservative Catholic fan base.

@mj_romano:Fraternities are the second highest risk for an insurance company. What’s #1 you may ask? Nuclear waste facilities.

@dutybarbie: I think that they should put pictures of missing transvestites on cartons of Half and Half.

@TheFatJew: I ran out of the fat girl’s apartment im in a taxi in my boxers holding a box of pretzels and a 10 dollar bill this night is fucking amazing.

@TFLN: (773): Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note. (773): You spelled “worthless” wrong.

@DrBadhands: Anyone want to go eat pancakes with me? Seriously. Nothing weird, nothing perverted or gross. Just pancakes. And anal.

@PBones: Just once I’d like to see an honest beer ad: “Please drink the maximum non-lethal quantity. Daily.”

@One_Line: Swine flu won’t really hit home with me until Magic Johnson gets it.

@awryone: Teaching my daughter about the birds and the bees. Specifically, that most bees will expect handjobs after the movie.

@theduty: i try to use ‘penis’ as my password for everything online…but it just keeps telling me “sorry, it’s not long enough.” hmpf. …words out.

@shoesonwrong: Every time I hear Sarah Palin attempt full sentences, I feel she should be living in a state-funded home other than the governor’s mansion.

“[insert name here] must stop using Facebook as the primary communication method with his girlfriend, family and friends.”

“The screen asked for a creative name, and in a panic I just mashed the keyboard with my palms.”

“In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry, and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

“The hunt is his obsession. He’s never gonna stop! “

For the love of Twilight, follow @PeterFacinelli. Facinelli, an actor in the Twilight series, needs 500,000 followers by tomorrow to help him win a bet. Check out the details of the bet between him and his friend Rob “Rob D.” DeFranco here.

“I need your help to win a bet. I’m sure you have caught wind of this bet my friend has with me. Rob was at my house and wanted the backing of my Twilight chair. He loves to bet, so he bet me for it.”

Now, if Facinelli gets his half-million in time, DeFranco has to dance down Hollywood Boulevard in a bikini while singing Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies” and holding a sign that says, “Twitter Me.”

To be quite honest, I don’t give a flying f*ck about Twilight, but here’s to all of those that do. Help a brother out.

“#11thcommandment – Thou shall not pop the collar.”

Although I’ve only been using Twitter for a few weeks, I’ve become fond of the Trending Topics. I’m not all over #musicmonday or #followfriday, but some of the random topics are a lot of fun. #11th commandment is one that I’ve played with a lot.

#11th commandment – Thou shall always Google It before asking stupid questions.
#11thcommandment – Thou shalt smite down any male that walketh upon the beach in a speedos thong
#11thcommandment – “shake it more than twice and you’re playing with yourself.” – Rainn Wilson
#11thcommandment – You can never have too much cowbell.

“Suddenly, it seems as though all the world’s a-Twitter.”

The dust has settled in the wake of Magic’s defeat by the Lakers in Game 5 of the series on Sunday night. I can’t say that it was a shocker – Bryant, Gasol and Fisher were solid throughout the game and Odom showed up in a big way – but it was nonetheless disappointing. The Magic didn’t have a chance once the second half hit. It was the kind of close out game that I had no desire to finish watching; the last 5 minutes were just too painful. The finals are made for 1 2 3 point games, not 13 point deficits. Bitching aside, there are plenty of reasons why the Lakers won. The Lakers were the better team, and I must admit that I’m glad Kobe was crowned a champion without Shaq. Shaq manned up on his Twitter and gave credit where credit is due, saying

Congratualtions kobe, u deserve it. You played great . Enjoy it my man enjoy it. And I know what yur sayin rt now “Shaq how my ass taste ”

Howard has also been attentive to his Twitter, sending out updates all day yesterday about Magic’s defeat

i wanna thank all our true fans for believing in our team. and havin faith in us. we didnt reach our goal. but GOD is still good. love yall

im lookin forward to next season. and this summer to get better. we was so close. but sometimes u gotta learn how to lose to be a winner

and for everyone my head is not down. im ready to get better for next year. never hold ya head down. never. life is too short for that

Candy man Lamar Odom (who shot more threes in the last game than in the rest of the series it would seem), left his Twitter on a lighter and brighter note

Still can’t believe it! I’m in a daze. Going to celebrate all week!

I have a feeling Howard will be feeling the post-season blues for a long time to come. 2009 was a miss for both Howard and Lebron…but there’s always 2010.