Texts From Last Night

(410): I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.

(818): I’ve replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.

(201): You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying “they would never think to look here”

(410): pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I’ve mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject…

(303): I don’t like the word whore. I prefer the term penis enthusiast.

(248): so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision

(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that

(270): Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They’re already packed. Didn’t know you could get that high.

(401): Listen, I’m 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.

(319): The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue

(201): “romantic friends” sounds more classy then friends with benfits

(912): just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

(703): grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it

(909): do you know your status is “goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy”?
(760): and THATS why i’m not adding my mom on facebook

(910): I then asked the hardee’s employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.

(941): apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to

(813): there’s a taquito in the driveway. If it’s not yours, I’m going to eat it.

(203): i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat

(251): but she was nice to me!
(254): she was a fucking stripper!

(706): Apparently I think casual Friday means showing up unshaven in yesterdays clothes reeking of booze.

(302): is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?

(703): so for two years my friend Maek has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it was too big to get it out.
(1-703): You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

(314): My Dad just told me if I smoke pot, to use a clean needle. WTF?

(646): he just put it in my mouth and said “go”

(519): what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

(310): being cut off at a bar is embarassing…until you get to the next bar

(818): It’s like a parade of train wrecks.

(720): I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.

(856): i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.

(314): Three 40′s of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.

(404): What part of “waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon” sounds like a good night to you?

(603): all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.

(973): i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house

(509): I’m glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.

(914): Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

(865): Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.

(713): you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.

(847): I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.

(864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

(909): You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie

(+44): Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.

(609): Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

(802): I just Googled “how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic.”

(504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

(603): all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.

(407): You’re the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld

(217): i just google searched “what time does taco bell open”

(541): I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.

(404): What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
(678): I don’t know, What kind of dress says “I feel sorry for you people?”

(803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

(602): at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn’t wanna wait for that long

(727): if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s’s and blatent bitchiness, then i’m in hell right now.
(1-727): Lol welcome to greek life

(703): Turns out you can’t chew it over with twix in real life
(541): Dude I’ve never seen anyone get slapped that hard

(204): My cousin’s wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash