“Why I Fired My Secretary.”

July 31, 2009

Sexual harassment cartoon

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’ I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ‘Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ‘
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’ I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !’
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?’ I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind ?’ She said, ‘Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.’

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ‘ Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’ ‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake …. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Thanks to Scott Wharton and Amazingjokes.com! For the original article, follow the link embedded in the title.


“It must be some kinda, hot tub time machine.”

July 30, 2009

Jump the shark: The precise moment when you know a program, band, actor, politician, or other public figure has taken a turn for the worse, gone downhill, become irreversibly bad, is unredeemable, etc.; the moment you realize decay has set in.

eg. Tom Cruise jumped the shark the moment he jumped Oprah’s couch.

Enter, Hot Tub Time Machine. Yes, this is really happening. (Feb. 26th 2010)

Pros: Clark Duke (of Sex Drive Fame) + John Cusak (thankyou Serendipity and Runaway Jury), + Craig Robinson (even if you aren’t a fan of The Office, you can’t deny the awesomeness of Zach and Miri Make a Porno)

Cons: the movie is about a hot tub time machine. Thank you, Hollywood.


“The screen asked for a creative name, and in a panic I just mashed the keyboard with my palms.”

July 30, 2009

screennames1


“I see you’ve been eating noodles.” – Definitely, Maybe

July 29, 2009

Watching 2 Guys, a Girl,and a Pizza Parlor as a child, I never caught on to the fact that Ryan Reynolds is actually a good actor. Sure, he’s handsome, and he always delivered the witty lines of his character well, but he seemed like any other made for syndicated TV disposable Ken doll. I rooted for him in Van Wilder: Party Liason, but still wasn’t sold on his credibility. Cut to The Proposal, a surprisingly enjoyable romcom that felt refreshingly genuine and suggested that there might be more to Reynolds than his 18 pack abs and sense of humor.

Last Friday after work, I watch Definitely, Maybe. In the movie, Reynolds tells the complicated history of girlfriends past to his 11 year old daughter played by Abigail Breslin. Three women – Elizabth Banks, Isla Fisher, and Rachel Weisz – make up the bulk of the story, and Breslin’s character has to figure out which one is her mother. It was hard to watch in parts; Reynolds left Banks, his college girlfriend, to go pursue a career in political consulting. Seeing a movie that reminds you of the precarious-ness of college relationships while entering your 4th and last year of college (con boyfriend) is never easy. Surprisingly, I wasn’t rooting for Banks’s character in the end. The dynamic created in the movie between Fisher and Reynolds was so perfect it must have been born of a focus group. Each relationship was different and interesting, and Reynolds brought a needed realness to the story. Let me be clear; this movie is a romcom, not a drama, but it was so well acted I feel almost guilty lumping it in the same group as the Matthew McConaughey disaster “Fool’s Gold.”

Perhaps I’m not being objective enough in my review of this movie; a couple of glasses of White Zinfandel down, the rose colored glasses tend to come on. That said, I unapologetically give this movie an A-; it was a pleasant surprise, refreshingly honest, and made for my 20 something demographic. I would expect no less from the makers of Love Actually and Notting Hill.


“My Bloody Valentine 2D”

July 28, 2009

Note to self: movies that are advertised as 3D should only be seen in 3D. That’s their gimmick, their “thing,” and the only way they’re worth watching. Watching My Bloody Valentine, I can see how, in the theater, with the goofy 3D glasses on, this might have been a thrilling scary movie. But without those goofy glasses or the 3D DVD, the movie falls short. Jamie King’s beautiful, but who is she kidding? She can’t hold up a movie any better than Tara Reid or Amy Smart. This is hardly a ahoking revelation, but had to be said. While working my way through my Netflix queue this summer, my tolerance for shitty [horror] movies has substantially decreased. My faith in the strength of the genre falters after enduring Walled In, The Unborn, The Uninvited, Vacancy, The Uninvited, the abomination that was The Haunting of Molly Hartley & now My Bloody Valentine. I’m hoping that going to see Orphan will restore my faith in scary movies.


“That was like surprise butt sex!”

July 28, 2009

…exclaimed the dude getting off the “Loch Ness Monster” rollercoaster in front of me. It was a strange way to describe the experience, but I definitely agreed with him. Oh ya, FYI: surprise butt sex is never a good thing.

Last weekend I went to Busch Gardens for the first time with my boyfriend. I hadn’t been to an amusement park in years, and after entering the park and riding the Loch Ness Monster, I began to think that maybe it was because I hate rollercoasters. Luckily, I quickly recovered from that shocker and thoroughly enjoyed our 10 plus hours spent at the park. I got to ride the Big Bad Wolf (after 25 years, they’re taking it down in the fall), Escape from Pompeii (note to self: on water rides, white shorts are a bad choice), and my favorite of the many rollercoasters we road on Saturday: Apollo’s Chariot. We sat at the front for all 210 feet of the first fall (and every one after that), and I felt like I was living in technicolor. The feeling of putting your hands up at 75 miles per hour a) makes you feel like a BAMF and b) is wildly liberating.

I got made fun of all day because I loved the Battering Ram so much (or the Banana, as I called it). Love me or leave me, I am definitely a little kid at heart.

The best view came at sunset on Griffon. I refuse to be the tool to call a day at an amusement park romantic, but the view from the top of the world’s tallest dive coaster sitting next to your [insert schnookums alternative here] kind of made your heart melt; before it exploded on the 200 foot drop.

The getaway was well worth the two hour drive; I can’t wait to have my disposable waterproof camera developed.


“To infinity, and beyond!”

July 28, 2009

15 years after the release of Toy Story, and 11 years after the release of the sequel, Toy Story 3 is set to hit a theater near you. The premise?

Woody, Buzz, and the rest of their toy box friends are dumped in a day-care center after their owner, Andy, departs for college.

Tom Hanks, Joan Cusak, Tim Allen, John Ratzenberger, Wallace Shawn and Don Rickles are all back on board, and Michael Keaton is set to play the new dude in town: Ken! Comic-Con is to thank for all of the recent hype about the movie and new rumors floating around. The movie hits theaters June 18th 2010.