Even a couple of weeks after seeing it, I cannot bring myself to write a review of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Yep, that miserable. Where Fool’s Gold was laughably bad, this was a crack addicts equivalent of rock bottom. The only way that it could have been worse is if I had a) paid money to see it and/or b) Jessica Simpson made a cameo.
Why I Hated Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
1) The archetypal chauvinism: The portrayal of women? Nothing cute, nothing new, nothing even hinting at creative. I’m not what you would consider a feminist, but come on. You’ve banged how many women McConaughey? Really? Ya, no one is giving you brownie points. Just STDs and child support papers.
2) The slutty bridesmaids: Think the acting won’t get worse than McConaughey’s douchey smirks and always gratuitous “Alright, alright?” Think again.
3) The cameos: I can only hope that when Michael Douglas, Christina Milian, Camille Guaty, Anne Archer, Lacey Chabert and Emma Sone agreed to do the movie, they read a different version of the script. (Retraction: Christina Milian is all about questionable career decisions). I would question Jennifer Garner’s involvement, but then again, Elektra.
4) The script: Uncle Wayne, played by Michael Douglas, Connor Mead, lived by Matthew McConaughey. just a taster…
Connor Mead: (breaking up with three women simultaneously on a confeProxy-Connection: keep-alive
nce call) Listen, I’m sincerely pressed for time right now so I’m going to have to do this in bulk. Um, it’s not going to work out for us!
Uncle Wayne: So here’s a couple of tips. When you first meet a girl you give her two compliments above the neck. Yeah, tell her she’s got nice lips, nice eyes, nice hair… she’s intelligent, her moral ethics, whatever crap comes to your mind. Then just when she begins to thinks that you’re another – you know – vanilla nice guy that she can tool around with all night without getting naked…
[hits his hand on bar] you *insult* her! Flip the power dynamic and your let her know that you’re here to play.
Conner Mead: You’ve got to risk love Sandra! I didn’t and look at me, I’m a lonely ghost of a man. It doesn’t mean that you’re never going to get hurt but the pain you feel will never compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love.
Don't expect any McConaughey money shots
5) The lack of nudity: McConaughey never takes his shirt off. I was under the impression that that’s why he gets hired to do movies. If you need any explanation as to why this is a problem…
6) The association with Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol”: Or rather, the association with the myriad of spinoffs. It makes a mockery of the legacy of both Mickey’s Christmas Carol and Muppet Christmas Carol. Way to ruin the classic(s).
7) The runtime: It’s 100 minutes that you’ll never get back. It feels a lot longer. Trust me.
8) Genre confusion: I fail to see where this was romantic, comedic, or any bizarre combination of the two. Class A Fail.
9) The worst part: The whole movie.
Check out this clip of Stewie ripping into McConaughey