“I’m a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.”

Things I’ve Learned in College

-A can of lite beer has fewer calories than a can of regular soda.

-Pregnant jokes are never funny.

-Ramen noodles eaten when drunk can taste better than a home cooked meal.

-Everyone says that they were the shit in high school. Even the guy in the vintage (re: old and unwashed) Lord of the Rings shirt.

-Boxed wine is real. Juiceboxed wine is better.

-Call your parents. If you don’t, they will assume that you have been abducted, eloped with a professor, or plagued with swine flu.

-Although you may have survived an 8-3 school day in high school, signing up for any class at 8 am is a guaranteed fail. Double fail if it’s on a Friday.

-Getting sick isn’t fun when you’re eating canned soup and watching Days of Our Lives instead of momma’s chicken noodle and Power Rangers.


-Beer goggles should be crosslisted with venereal diseases on WebMD.

-Dignity has a strict no takesie backsies policy.

-If you send out Facebook invites to a party and promise free booze, people will come. As soon as the booze runs out, they will all magically disappear. Except for aforementioned creepy guy in the Lord of the Rings t-shirt who you didn’t invite in the first place.

-The number of people forced to strip their way through college is wildly over exaggerated by Hollywood.

-If you don’t want to see someone, you are guaranteed to run into them on campus. Probably while looking like shit.

-The likelihood of attending class is conversely related to the temperature outdoors.

-Your body knows the difference between Grey Goose and unfiltered vodka.

-All nighters are a way of life. Caffeine is their lifeblood.

You can sleep anywhere.

You can sleep anywhere.

-Although everyone pays $500 per semester for books, come buy back time English majors will be lucky to walk away with a $20 bill while Econ majors and Engineers will be sitting pretty on 75 cents on the dollar.

-For some girls, just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels is an acceptable pickup line.

-Just because it’s a gut class doesn’t mean that you can skip every lecture and expect an A and a letter of recommendation.

-The weekend starts on Thursday. Or whenever the biggest alcoholic of the group says it does.

-The Walk of Shame feels a lot worse on a Sunday morning if you live near a church.

-Student Health hands out birth control like tic tacs.

-Someone will remember what you did the next morning. And hopefully, where your pants are.

Powerpoints can be made about anything.

Powerpoints can be made about anything.

-The one class you missed all semester will comprise a minimum of 40% of the final.

-The walls in college dorm rooms are thinner than you may think.

-Formal functions involve putting on a dress and heels, getting hammered on wine, and swaying dangerously on the dancefloor to mediocre cover bands.

-There will always be an asshole in the class that everyone else is aware leaks bullshit out of every orifice but the professor loves.

-Drinking more will make you better at beer bong. It will also make you think that you’re wildly attractive.

-“I’ll try anything once” should not be a hard and fast rule.

-There are hot boys all over campus. None of them will end up in your classes.

-When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible.

You can never have enough Natty.

You can never have enough Natty.

“Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.”

– Dead Poet’s Society


2 Responses to “I’m a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.”

  1. Ronald says:

    And I love you. And that is definitely what this philosophy major thinks interminably.

  2. What a Philosophy major does…sort of…?

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