“Twitter taught me to be too concise. Real life conversations have me thinking, “Jesus, man, that’s ten tweets already. Get to the point.””

Blogging about microblogging seems a little redundant, but I can’t help myself; perusing Twitter during the occasional boring lecture and procrastination session has opened my world up to a wealth of hilarious Tweeters. I did a run through of about 10 in September, but here are the latest and greatest:

@FakeAPStyleBook: Active verbs should be used frequently, just like your mom.

@FakeAPStyleBook: While it’s tempting to call them “baristi” because of the Italian roots, the plural of “barista” is “journalism majors.”

@Fitzright: No, Gazpacho is a dish best served cold. Revenge is no dish. Moron.

@Fitzright: The exact moment I decided to embrace my inner-asshole my life got much better. Except it sounds gay.

@JasonPermenter: Sighhhh. Another Sunday morning, another handle of Jack.

@JasonPermenter: Getting pretty anxious about the lack of major celebrity deaths in the past couple of weeks.

@ScottSimpson: They’ve got a mall kiosk for everything these days. I just got my prostate checked. For $50. Outside the mall. Inside a van marked “Kiosk.

@ScottSimpson: After 10 years of marriage, I have to find new ways to compliment my wife’s cooking. “The best prison food in the world”: not my best work.

@phyllisstein: No YOU’RE drinking alone and watching Hocus Pocus on YouTube.

@phyllisstein: I guess I’ll bring a wine. What pairs better with macaroni-and-cheese pizza, Thunderbird or Night Train?

@sween: There’s a thin line between wanting a child and wanting a vasectomy. That line is at the Disney Store.

@sween: No one will believe it when Rick Astley dies.

@detweiler: Facebook taught me, I can make any sentence melodramatic by appending “FML”. “Just won the lottery. Going home to bang some strippers. FML”

@detweiler: Drunk by six, or as I like to say, “Sorry I’m late, traffic’s a bitch.”

@texburgher: Pizza for breakfast is delicious, albeit somewhat unconventional. My favorite kind of breakfast pizza is actually just a fifth of bourbon.

@texburgher: My 4th grader’s pride in his homeroom teacher’s Twilight calendar is inversely proportionate to my confidence in her teaching abilities.

@eoporto: In the battle of Too Much Perfume Lady and Short Order Curry Cook, THIS ENTIRE SUBWAY CAR LOSES.

@eoporto: If you think I’m not using today as an excuse to eat cookies for breakfast, you’d be wrong.

@davislove: Sitting in the car with my niece & nephew while the people in the car next to me are smoking. Not cigs. Likely meth. Stay classy Portland.

@davislove: The sign on the door said “WOMEN” but from what I saw in the bathroom, they’re clearly using the term loosely.


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