“All the world’s a stage? Or the world is my oyster? I need to know so I can wear the right shoes.”

November 23, 2009

Tim Siedell (@badbanana), perhaps the cleverest Tweeter in the game, was recently interviewed by the authors of Think2Design. Unfortunately, having no pull, I am unable to score sitdowns with celebrities (even of the homemade, Twitter/YouTube variety), so I have transplanted this one from the Think2Design blog to mine.

Why is Tim Siedell so damn funny?

Tim Siedell, creative director and co-founder of Fuse Industries, has received a lot of attention—from Fast Company to NPR—for his humorous Tweets as badbanana. He has been re-tweeted, plagiarized and sited in numerous “best of” lists. He’s not funny in a-man-walked-into-a-bar kind of way, but in a David Sedaris kind of way (think donuts, time machines and bucket lists.)

Not sure if there will be donuts at my early morning meeting. Better take my FryDaddy. — badbanana 8:36 PM Jul 13th

I went back in time and stepped on some butterflies and now Jeb Bush isn’t president anymore. You’re welcome. — badbanana 8:13 AM Aug 31st

Got my to-do list and bucket list mixed up. I guess my household projects will just have to wait until after I win a Tony. – badbanana 10:22 AM Jun 20th

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE
Tim Siedell (@badbanana on Twitter)

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
The simple life. A cabin. A pond. As long as there’s free Wi-Fi, I’m good.

What is your greatest fear?
Getting too stuffed on bread before the meal arrives.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Everything. But if I had to pick one, my self-loathing.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Being my landlord.

Which living person do you most admire?
The oldest. The hottest. The most dangerous. But it’s rare for one person to hold all three titles simultaneously.

What is your greatest extravagance?
I splurge and buy only the finest brands of aerosol cheese.

What is your current state of mind?
Nebraska. Believe me, it’s a state of mind.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Willingness to wear a towel while walking around in the locker room.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Recklessly wanting to make a boyfriend jealous.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I tend to say “Not guilty, your honor” a little too often.

When and where were you happiest?
Pondering my answer two questions ago.

Who are your favorite writers?
Lawyers. Ever read their stuff? Hilarious.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to heal the sick and feed the hungry. Either that, or drawing.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
The happy writer.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Morning people. They make my coffee and smile so I don’t have to.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Winning the Nobel Peace Prize for inventing time travel. Trust me on this one.

Where would you like to live?
The Saturday after payday.

What is your most treasured possession?
Earlier this year, I converted my stock portfolio into a Subway footlong. I’m holding on to that baby for retirement.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Two and a Half Men.

What do you most value in your friends?
A willingness to help out at any hour, dig deep holes, and not ask many questions.

What are your favorite names?
If I had a band, I’d name it either Filthy Congress or Feature Creep.

What is it that you most dislike?
I don’t like lactose intolerant people. I’m lactose intolerant intolerant.

What is your greatest regret?
I sometimes wonder if my lack of wealth and power may be holding me back.

How would you like to die?
Crushed beneath a pile of cheerleaders.

What is your motto?
Seize the Donut.

-taken from “Portrait of a Master Tweeter” on Think2Design on WordPress

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“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

November 21, 2009


“My breasts can always tell when it’s going to rain.”

November 19, 2009

Surely I am not the only one who has fallen victim of volatile fall weather. You leave your apartment in Uggs and two Northfaces replete with scarves, mittens, and other winter wonderland paraphernalia. Your en route to class and it’s pleasantly brisk out, but within 5 minutes, sweat is pouring out of inappropriate places and your long underwear is making you feel more than slightly claustrophobic. You look like a dick because everyone else on grounds is wearing, relatively speaking, fucking beach wear. As you peel off your damp layers in Chem lab, you think to yourself, “fucking weatherman,” because you don’t want to admit your own stupidity, and your American, so you point fingers.

Well my friends, I have a solution.

Sort of.

Despite technology that allows scientists to clone chihuahuas and blow up the moon, an extensive iPhone app store, and time travel (ok, I can’t prove that one just yet), we can’t seem to find a competent meteorologist who can really tell us what the weather is going to be like. The 70% chance of precipitation thing is bogus and a total crapshoot; even if I brought my umbrella with me everytime it was supposed to rain, I would get rained on 70% of the time. I have by now accepted that the weather portion of most nightly newscasts should be viewed purely for entertainment. As sure as I am that as we speak climatologists are preparing to launch balloon boy on another mission to forecasting accuracy, we need a short term solution. Entrez-vous, The Fucking Weather & Is It Raining. Neither site will really prevent those FML moments of atmospheric awkwardness (re: summer dress in Ottawa, in December), but they should alleviate some of the hatred aimed at our friendly local weathermen with an entertaining approach to weather tracking.


“Would you like fries with that?”

November 16, 2009

I know a girl who broke up with a guy and she told him she wanted to “still be friends.” He said, “No thanks.” She wondered why he couldn’t fall back to being just friends after they had a romantic relationship. I came up with the “McDonalds Analogy” to try and explain it in a simple way that would help all women understand this tough question.

Imagine if you went to McDonalds a lot and ordered a Big Mac Combo meal. A Big Mac, Large Fries and a Coke. You really like this meal. One day, you pull up to the drivethrough and order the Big Mac Combo meal and the girl tells you, “I’m sorry – you can have the Big Mac and the Coke, but you can’t get fries with that anymore.” You think about this for a moment, and sure – the Big Mac is the centerpiece of the meal, but McDonalds has some really good fries and you like their fries with your meal. So you say, “I’ve been able to get fries with that before, why can’t I have fries with my Big Mac combo anymore?” The girls says, “Well, I just think it is better if you only have the Big Mac and the Coke from here on out.”

At this point, a lot of guys are going to go to Wendy’s or BK and see if they can get fries with their combo at that drivethrough window. But there are some guys who REALLY like McDonalds Big Macs and they might think, “If I keep coming here and ordering the Big Mac and Coke, maybe she’ll change her mind and give me some fries with that later.” So they will keep on getting the combo without the fries until the deal breaker happens: One day that guy is going to order the Big Mac and Coke and then he’s going to pull up a little bit to pay, and someone else is going to pull up to the drivethrough speaker and order the “Big Mac Combo” and he is going to hear the girl say, “Would you like fries with that?”

That’s why guys don’t like to be friends with a girl who breaks up with them.


“Please 4th year responsibly.”

November 15, 2009

“The tradition of the “fourth-year fifth” follows these rules: On the morning of the last home football game, fourth-year students, aka seniors, consume a fifth of liquor to celebrate four years of sub-par football. While the type of liquor is up to the drinker, students are supposed to finish the fifth by kick-off time. It’s an intense tradition, defended by students who claim that it isn’t alcoholism “until you graduate.””


“So this is spring break.” “Yep.” “Funny. It’s not how it looked in the brochures.”

November 11, 2009

spring break

Top 10 Spring Break Party Destinations for College Students

spring-break-cancun-day-parties

You SO want to be this girl.

1.Cancun Mexico
The spring break destination for the Girls Gone Wild wanna be in you. Expect wet t-shirt contests galore, rail liquor loaded with rohypnol, guidos and herpes, herpes, herpes. Bad decision making is expected, ditto lax condom usage. When you Google “Spring Break,” the first result to pop up is its Wikipedia entry. “In locales such as Cancún, Mexico, spring break activities traditionally include binge drinking, recreational drug use and casual sex.” Anyone who says they’re going for the snorkeling during peak season is lying. Sisqo hosted an MTV Spring Break Special in Cancun. Even if you DO have dumps like a truck, truck, truck, this alone should be reason enough to avoid.

devil

Worth it.

2.Acapulco Mexico
VIP! OPEN BAR! UNLIMITED DOS EQUIS! STS will do just about anything to get you to go to Acapulco. Not advertised: airport scams, shitty beaches, drug wars, swine flu. Reconsider risking death to dance with the devil. If you have to go, save a little money by booking a one way ticket. You’re not coming back.

titanic

Nope.

3.Party Cruise to Bahamas
Party and cruise in the same sentence shouldn’t sell you on this destination. 90% of the people on board will be students, but what about the other 10? Not the best location to bump into Dad i.e. Roman Polanski. Awkward. Imagine, 100s of drunk strangers on one boat together with sea sickness, food poisoning and STDs. Even the worst frat parties have multiple escape routes. On a boat, you’re fucked. Forget about having sex with [insert name here] Real World star host in the miniscule cabins. Go somewhere else and just book a half day booze cruise? You’ll thank me later.

beer shirt

4.Mazatlan Mexico
Mazatlan will cause you to reevaluate the saying ‘What happens on Spring Break STAYS on Spring Break.’ Includes: Morals, dignity, underwear, the local you married, valuables, Daddy’s credit card. Excludes: VD, memories, that weird rash on your face.

awkward04

5.South Padre Island
Upsides: kegs are delivered to the beach, you’re still in America so there must be a Waffle House somewhere. Downsides: you’re on an island in Texas that will make you think of your father every time you go down. Have fun with that.

sbrc_lg

6.Jamaica
The resorts are beautiful. Stay on them. Everything is legal in Jamaica. Including killing spring breakers. Instead of going there, pop in an old Shaggy CD (Beenie Man will suffice), and YouTube Usain Bolt breaking the 100m World Record in the 2008 Olympics. It’s a lot safer.

high five

7.Panama City Beach
The “Spring Break Capital of the World” sees over 100,000 students flock to its shores every year. Panama City Spring Breaks are sponsored by such reputable companies as Victoria’s Secret, Xbox, and Banana Boat. If you were the shit in highschool, you probably went here, stayed at a Holiday Inn/Best Western/some variation there of, drove drunk, got naked, and generally partied like a rockstar. In highschool. Onwards and upwards folks.

8.Puerto Vallarta
Puerto Vallarta is known as La Ciudad Mas Amigable en el Mundo (The Friendliest City in the World). Translation: pack a gun.

paradise-island-harbour-resort-hotel_1b

9.Nassau Bahamas
Bacardi is made in the Bahamas, so expect a complimentary cocktail once you clear customs. It’s all downhill from there. The Atlantis on Paradise Island sets the standard for accommodation in the Bahamas. Unfortunately, the Atlantis is actually the exception, not the rule. Expect to see lots of cruise ships (i.e. frenzied tourists con fanny pack), drug dealers, and overly friendly men. If your hotel boasts a “man made beach,” it is actually just a 10 x 10 meter shallow pool sectioned off from the harbor. The booze is free flowing, but isn’t it everywhere? Every side of the beach is the shitty side unless you’re staying at Atlantis.

cabo

10.Cabo San Lucas Mexico
No wet tshirt contests? How is this even on the Top Ten List?


“L’age d’or of the disaster movie.”

November 10, 2009

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