“Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail”

dilbert1

Pop Quiz

1. Applying for jobs as a college senior is absolutely:

a) terrifying
b) frustrating
c) exhausting
d) crapshoot
e) all of the above

2. Resumes : my actual skills ::

a) Britney Spears : music
b) College : sobriety
c) Papercuts : fun
d) Infomercials : quality programming
e) all of the above

3. Describe in one word why you are a worthwhile human being deserving of employment. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

4th year, contrary to popular belief, is not (solely) for reckless partying and gut classes. Trying to clean up our acts i.e. the path of destruction we have blazed over the last 3 odd years is no small feat. I can’t say I’m an expert – I mean, I don’t have a job post graduation yet – but here are a few do & do not guidelines for the soon to be college graduate’s job search.

-Spellcheck. No one wants to know about your Pubic Policy major. If you ask for a $100K anal salary, then expect shit for pay.

-Remember to put your experience in human, not dog, years. It could happen to you.

-No employer actually cares about your innate need for self expression. Leave your zany shoes and neat-o feather headpiece at home.

-Reference letters from your mother don’t count. Related: if your Mom edited your resume, make sure that you remove her comments/emoticons before forwarding it along.

-Be funny when you can. Topics to stay away from: religion, politics, sexual harassment, what your significant other calls your genitalia.

-Your photo on LinkedIn should only be full body if you are trying to go into modeling, in which case, wtf are you doing on LinkedIn.

-Playing with Knex and jigsaw puzzles as a child does not necessarily mean that you have fantastic Problem Solving and Analytical Skills.

-Confidence is great! Douchebaggery, not so much.

-“This is just like The Office!” is not a great opener.

-There is an inverse relationship between desperation and salary/dignity. Don’t worry, I hear that McDonald’s is hiring.

-Do not include a hobbies section in your resume. Especially if your hobbies include internet porn and/or shuffleboard.

-You’re not perfect for every job that you apply for. Don’t make the interviewer call security.

-Do your research. You don’t want to go up to Altria Client Services, introduce yourself, and say, “So…cigarettes. Really?” Who has two thumbs and has learned from experience?

-Creativity is good. Rapping to demonstrate mid-interview is not.

-When asked what interests you about a given company, I heard you were hiring is not an acceptable answer. Ever. But really.

-Be prepared to answer any and all of these questions.

As a student, my job is to Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated.

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2 Responses to “Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail”

  1. […] “Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self … […]

  2. ddr7009ree says:

    danby ddr7009ree…

    […]“Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail” « Blackout is the New Pink[…]…

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