“Halloween: the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”

October 11, 2009

Halloween is right around the corner, and it’s nice to know that not everyone is above completely embarrassing themselves for the sake of costume design. I post these pictures in the hopes of inspiring you to look outside the skankalicious dress up box for your Halloween apparel.

Not that I will be.



Really, Legolas?

Really, Legolas?















I honestly don’t know what half of the costumes are, but I’m giving out major points for creativity.


“I Got More Than a Feeling”

October 8, 2009

The perfect pastiche of pop past and present. Just a little pick me up for you Thursday afternoon.

“I Got More Than A Feeling” – Boston vs. Black Eyed Peas by Mad Mix Mustang.

“Three is a charm/Two is not the same/I don’t see the harm/So are you game?”

September 29, 2009

The original queen of blackout is back in the zone and out of control. I don’t know if it’s the new “Womanizer,” but it’s pretty catchy, the bridge is a strangely reminiscent of every Cascada song ever made, and the bass is infectious. If parents thought that “If You Seek Amy” was controversial, I’m sure that the PTA will love this gem.

Keeping it classy since 1981.

Keeping it classy since 1981.

*If this video is taken down briefly, you can also catch a clip of the song on Perez Hilton’s website.

“It was fun for, like, 20 minutes, but the next day, I just didn’t feel good about myself.”

September 29, 2009

I can’t blame the chocolate cake and coffee churning in my stomach for my current level of queasiness: Kristin Cavallari makes a purported $90,000 per episode of The Hills. Which, at least in my opinion, is kind of a lot considering her job description.

Kristin Cavallari’s Contract

$10,000 for maintaining waif look
$1,000 everytime Audrina doles out the “dead in the eyes look”
$5,000 for making Audrina cry/show human emotions
$10,000 for every bang session with Justin Bobby and/or Stephen Colletti.
$1,000 for dropping Cali speak i.e. “That ride was gnarly,” “You messed with the wrong chick dude,” “Hella” used in any context. (For disambiguations, see Wikipedia entry.)
The remaining $60,000 or so most likely falls into the amount-paid-to-never-make-a-movie-like-Fingerprints-ever-ever-again scategory.

The Bitch is Back on The Hills tonight, September 29th at 10/9c.

” I only use my sick days for hang-overs and soap opera weddings.”

September 28, 2009

My 1 pm trip to Mem Gym treated me to an experience I have not had in years; daytime soap operas. More specifically, Days of Our Lives. The television that is usually tuned to ESPN had, by some strangely wonderful oversight, been changed to NBC. The teletext did not hinder my viewing experience, it only enhanced it; I have never been much for the heavy handed non diegetic music anyway. Days of Our Lives has been going strong since 1965, and although the characters have changed, the plots haven’t.

Why Soap Operas Actually Rock

1. A single phone call can last an entire episode. “Don Juan? It’s me. Ivonne. I have something to tell you…” Cut scene

2. Someone is always trying to kill someone else’s sibling/parent/long lost relative

3. Guarenteed at least one character just got out of the hospital, rehab, or prison. Bonus points for the trifecta.

4. A 5th grader who has never seen [insert obnoxious soap opera title here] could, within seconds, figure out the plot of episode 6, season 20.

5. The likelihood of any two storylines, let alone all six of them, happening concurrently is completely bogus, and therefore comic gold. Your Mom is banging your boyfriend who you found out fathered your comatose sister’s daughter who is now in juvenile detention?! Turn the volume up, don’t mind if I do!

6. People who watch One Tree Hill/The OC etc pretend that they are above soap operas, when these programs are actually just glorified iterations of soap operas with slightly better production credits.

7. To state the obvious, the transparently shitty acting and the male hairstyles. Iced tips…really? They haven’t been cool since Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys got fat in the mid 90s.

8. They are wonderfully analogous to a one night stand: afterward you feel dumb, dirty, tricked and mistreated, but rally on the notion that you will never have to see them again (although, if you have the [channel] number, you may want to)

9. The British and Aussie soaps (Hollyoaks, Eastenders, Neighbors, Home & Away). In 5th grade I perfected my Australian accent and held a dream of being a fat old bloke who spent his days in a pub drinking endless pints of Guiness.

10. The knowledge that, on their sick days, our fathers are not watching Sportcenter or CNN as claimed, but catching up on their soaps and maybe some Oprah.

It takes a rather special sort of person to follow soaps. You have to be highly intelligent (to understand them), & thick as a brick (to want to).

-Alan Coren

The Customer is [Not] Always Right

September 17, 2009

Slippery Christmas Ice
Retail | United Kingdom

(This occurred two days after Christmas Day on the refunds desk.)

Customer: “These slippers don’t fit! I’ve been the same shoe size for years. It must be these new European sizes, I can’t even get my foot in!”

Me: “That’s no proble,m sir. I’ll just refund these and give you a credit note, then you can go and choose some slippers that fit.”

Customer: “This ruined my Christmas, you know!”

(I take the slippers and examine them for any faults or damage, while the customer continues to rant.)

Me: “Sir, did you remove the tissue paper from the toes before you tried these on?”

Customer: “Oh…”

(Needless to say, the slippers did in fact fit. Christmas was saved.)


“In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of.”

September 14, 2009

Between Kanye’s interruption of Taylor Swift’s Best Female Video acceptance speech, Janet’s MJ Tribute, premieres of the Fame Music Video, “Twilight”‘s Extended Trailer, “This is It“, Michael Jackson’s unseen rehearsal footage doc, Lady Gaga’s suicidal performance and the ever obnoxious Russel Brand (no one wants to get in those pants mate), MTV’s 2009 VMAs was full of excitement. My favorite part bar none though was the finale duet by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys (minus Lil Mama…). Empire State of Mind is an infectious surefire hit blending rap, RnB, and classical music flawlessly. I’m not big into rap, but this song is seriously smooth.