“Being a fan of a movie before it gets popular is one of the most important things you can do with your life.”

December 8, 2009

“You used to be able to tell the difference between hipsters and homeless people.”


“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”

December 1, 2009

Budget Christmas Presents

Tried and true.

Recession iPhone Cases! 10 for $7.99!


It could be collectible one day.

For when the romance has ended.

You're welcome.

No fruitcake. No exceptions.

Family size. Drink the pain away, all for around $13.00.

“All the world’s a stage? Or the world is my oyster? I need to know so I can wear the right shoes.”

November 23, 2009

Tim Siedell (@badbanana), perhaps the cleverest Tweeter in the game, was recently interviewed by the authors of Think2Design. Unfortunately, having no pull, I am unable to score sitdowns with celebrities (even of the homemade, Twitter/YouTube variety), so I have transplanted this one from the Think2Design blog to mine.

Why is Tim Siedell so damn funny?

Tim Siedell, creative director and co-founder of Fuse Industries, has received a lot of attention—from Fast Company to NPR—for his humorous Tweets as badbanana. He has been re-tweeted, plagiarized and sited in numerous “best of” lists. He’s not funny in a-man-walked-into-a-bar kind of way, but in a David Sedaris kind of way (think donuts, time machines and bucket lists.)

Not sure if there will be donuts at my early morning meeting. Better take my FryDaddy. — badbanana 8:36 PM Jul 13th

I went back in time and stepped on some butterflies and now Jeb Bush isn’t president anymore. You’re welcome. — badbanana 8:13 AM Aug 31st

Got my to-do list and bucket list mixed up. I guess my household projects will just have to wait until after I win a Tony. – badbanana 10:22 AM Jun 20th

Tim Siedell (@badbanana on Twitter)

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
The simple life. A cabin. A pond. As long as there’s free Wi-Fi, I’m good.

What is your greatest fear?
Getting too stuffed on bread before the meal arrives.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Everything. But if I had to pick one, my self-loathing.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Being my landlord.

Which living person do you most admire?
The oldest. The hottest. The most dangerous. But it’s rare for one person to hold all three titles simultaneously.

What is your greatest extravagance?
I splurge and buy only the finest brands of aerosol cheese.

What is your current state of mind?
Nebraska. Believe me, it’s a state of mind.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Willingness to wear a towel while walking around in the locker room.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Recklessly wanting to make a boyfriend jealous.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I tend to say “Not guilty, your honor” a little too often.

When and where were you happiest?
Pondering my answer two questions ago.

Who are your favorite writers?
Lawyers. Ever read their stuff? Hilarious.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to heal the sick and feed the hungry. Either that, or drawing.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
The happy writer.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Morning people. They make my coffee and smile so I don’t have to.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Winning the Nobel Peace Prize for inventing time travel. Trust me on this one.

Where would you like to live?
The Saturday after payday.

What is your most treasured possession?
Earlier this year, I converted my stock portfolio into a Subway footlong. I’m holding on to that baby for retirement.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Two and a Half Men.

What do you most value in your friends?
A willingness to help out at any hour, dig deep holes, and not ask many questions.

What are your favorite names?
If I had a band, I’d name it either Filthy Congress or Feature Creep.

What is it that you most dislike?
I don’t like lactose intolerant people. I’m lactose intolerant intolerant.

What is your greatest regret?
I sometimes wonder if my lack of wealth and power may be holding me back.

How would you like to die?
Crushed beneath a pile of cheerleaders.

What is your motto?
Seize the Donut.

-taken from “Portrait of a Master Tweeter” on Think2Design on WordPress

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

November 21, 2009

“My breasts can always tell when it’s going to rain.”

November 19, 2009

Surely I am not the only one who has fallen victim of volatile fall weather. You leave your apartment in Uggs and two Northfaces replete with scarves, mittens, and other winter wonderland paraphernalia. Your en route to class and it’s pleasantly brisk out, but within 5 minutes, sweat is pouring out of inappropriate places and your long underwear is making you feel more than slightly claustrophobic. You look like a dick because everyone else on grounds is wearing, relatively speaking, fucking beach wear. As you peel off your damp layers in Chem lab, you think to yourself, “fucking weatherman,” because you don’t want to admit your own stupidity, and your American, so you point fingers.

Well my friends, I have a solution.

Sort of.

Despite technology that allows scientists to clone chihuahuas and blow up the moon, an extensive iPhone app store, and time travel (ok, I can’t prove that one just yet), we can’t seem to find a competent meteorologist who can really tell us what the weather is going to be like. The 70% chance of precipitation thing is bogus and a total crapshoot; even if I brought my umbrella with me everytime it was supposed to rain, I would get rained on 70% of the time. I have by now accepted that the weather portion of most nightly newscasts should be viewed purely for entertainment. As sure as I am that as we speak climatologists are preparing to launch balloon boy on another mission to forecasting accuracy, we need a short term solution. Entrez-vous, The Fucking Weather & Is It Raining. Neither site will really prevent those FML moments of atmospheric awkwardness (re: summer dress in Ottawa, in December), but they should alleviate some of the hatred aimed at our friendly local weathermen with an entertaining approach to weather tracking.

“L’age d’or of the disaster movie.”

November 10, 2009


“Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail”

November 2, 2009


Pop Quiz

1. Applying for jobs as a college senior is absolutely:

a) terrifying
b) frustrating
c) exhausting
d) crapshoot
e) all of the above

2. Resumes : my actual skills ::

a) Britney Spears : music
b) College : sobriety
c) Papercuts : fun
d) Infomercials : quality programming
e) all of the above

3. Describe in one word why you are a worthwhile human being deserving of employment. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

4th year, contrary to popular belief, is not (solely) for reckless partying and gut classes. Trying to clean up our acts i.e. the path of destruction we have blazed over the last 3 odd years is no small feat. I can’t say I’m an expert – I mean, I don’t have a job post graduation yet – but here are a few do & do not guidelines for the soon to be college graduate’s job search.

-Spellcheck. No one wants to know about your Pubic Policy major. If you ask for a $100K anal salary, then expect shit for pay.

-Remember to put your experience in human, not dog, years. It could happen to you.

-No employer actually cares about your innate need for self expression. Leave your zany shoes and neat-o feather headpiece at home.

-Reference letters from your mother don’t count. Related: if your Mom edited your resume, make sure that you remove her comments/emoticons before forwarding it along.

-Be funny when you can. Topics to stay away from: religion, politics, sexual harassment, what your significant other calls your genitalia.

-Your photo on LinkedIn should only be full body if you are trying to go into modeling, in which case, wtf are you doing on LinkedIn.

-Playing with Knex and jigsaw puzzles as a child does not necessarily mean that you have fantastic Problem Solving and Analytical Skills.

-Confidence is great! Douchebaggery, not so much.

-“This is just like The Office!” is not a great opener.

-There is an inverse relationship between desperation and salary/dignity. Don’t worry, I hear that McDonald’s is hiring.

-Do not include a hobbies section in your resume. Especially if your hobbies include internet porn and/or shuffleboard.

-You’re not perfect for every job that you apply for. Don’t make the interviewer call security.

-Do your research. You don’t want to go up to Altria Client Services, introduce yourself, and say, “So…cigarettes. Really?” Who has two thumbs and has learned from experience?

-Creativity is good. Rapping to demonstrate mid-interview is not.

-When asked what interests you about a given company, I heard you were hiring is not an acceptable answer. Ever. But really.

-Be prepared to answer any and all of these questions.

As a student, my job is to Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated.