“Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.”

December 22, 2009

Bring on wintertime and armies of snowmen.

Army of Snow men


“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

November 21, 2009

“My breasts can always tell when it’s going to rain.”

November 19, 2009

Surely I am not the only one who has fallen victim of volatile fall weather. You leave your apartment in Uggs and two Northfaces replete with scarves, mittens, and other winter wonderland paraphernalia. Your en route to class and it’s pleasantly brisk out, but within 5 minutes, sweat is pouring out of inappropriate places and your long underwear is making you feel more than slightly claustrophobic. You look like a dick because everyone else on grounds is wearing, relatively speaking, fucking beach wear. As you peel off your damp layers in Chem lab, you think to yourself, “fucking weatherman,” because you don’t want to admit your own stupidity, and your American, so you point fingers.

Well my friends, I have a solution.

Sort of.

Despite technology that allows scientists to clone chihuahuas and blow up the moon, an extensive iPhone app store, and time travel (ok, I can’t prove that one just yet), we can’t seem to find a competent meteorologist who can really tell us what the weather is going to be like. The 70% chance of precipitation thing is bogus and a total crapshoot; even if I brought my umbrella with me everytime it was supposed to rain, I would get rained on 70% of the time. I have by now accepted that the weather portion of most nightly newscasts should be viewed purely for entertainment. As sure as I am that as we speak climatologists are preparing to launch balloon boy on another mission to forecasting accuracy, we need a short term solution. Entrez-vous, The Fucking Weather & Is It Raining. Neither site will really prevent those FML moments of atmospheric awkwardness (re: summer dress in Ottawa, in December), but they should alleviate some of the hatred aimed at our friendly local weathermen with an entertaining approach to weather tracking.

“Would you like fries with that?”

November 16, 2009

I know a girl who broke up with a guy and she told him she wanted to “still be friends.” He said, “No thanks.” She wondered why he couldn’t fall back to being just friends after they had a romantic relationship. I came up with the “McDonalds Analogy” to try and explain it in a simple way that would help all women understand this tough question.

Imagine if you went to McDonalds a lot and ordered a Big Mac Combo meal. A Big Mac, Large Fries and a Coke. You really like this meal. One day, you pull up to the drivethrough and order the Big Mac Combo meal and the girl tells you, “I’m sorry – you can have the Big Mac and the Coke, but you can’t get fries with that anymore.” You think about this for a moment, and sure – the Big Mac is the centerpiece of the meal, but McDonalds has some really good fries and you like their fries with your meal. So you say, “I’ve been able to get fries with that before, why can’t I have fries with my Big Mac combo anymore?” The girls says, “Well, I just think it is better if you only have the Big Mac and the Coke from here on out.”

At this point, a lot of guys are going to go to Wendy’s or BK and see if they can get fries with their combo at that drivethrough window. But there are some guys who REALLY like McDonalds Big Macs and they might think, “If I keep coming here and ordering the Big Mac and Coke, maybe she’ll change her mind and give me some fries with that later.” So they will keep on getting the combo without the fries until the deal breaker happens: One day that guy is going to order the Big Mac and Coke and then he’s going to pull up a little bit to pay, and someone else is going to pull up to the drivethrough speaker and order the “Big Mac Combo” and he is going to hear the girl say, “Would you like fries with that?”

That’s why guys don’t like to be friends with a girl who breaks up with them.

“Please 4th year responsibly.”

November 15, 2009

“The tradition of the “fourth-year fifth” follows these rules: On the morning of the last home football game, fourth-year students, aka seniors, consume a fifth of liquor to celebrate four years of sub-par football. While the type of liquor is up to the drinker, students are supposed to finish the fifth by kick-off time. It’s an intense tradition, defended by students who claim that it isn’t alcoholism “until you graduate.””

“Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

November 3, 2009

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approximately. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

10 minutes:
A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:
The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:
He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition. No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people’s priorities.

The questions raised:

*In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

*Do we stop to appreciate it?

*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made…How many other things are we missing?

“Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail”

November 2, 2009


Pop Quiz

1. Applying for jobs as a college senior is absolutely:

a) terrifying
b) frustrating
c) exhausting
d) crapshoot
e) all of the above

2. Resumes : my actual skills ::

a) Britney Spears : music
b) College : sobriety
c) Papercuts : fun
d) Infomercials : quality programming
e) all of the above

3. Describe in one word why you are a worthwhile human being deserving of employment. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

4th year, contrary to popular belief, is not (solely) for reckless partying and gut classes. Trying to clean up our acts i.e. the path of destruction we have blazed over the last 3 odd years is no small feat. I can’t say I’m an expert – I mean, I don’t have a job post graduation yet – but here are a few do & do not guidelines for the soon to be college graduate’s job search.

-Spellcheck. No one wants to know about your Pubic Policy major. If you ask for a $100K anal salary, then expect shit for pay.

-Remember to put your experience in human, not dog, years. It could happen to you.

-No employer actually cares about your innate need for self expression. Leave your zany shoes and neat-o feather headpiece at home.

-Reference letters from your mother don’t count. Related: if your Mom edited your resume, make sure that you remove her comments/emoticons before forwarding it along.

-Be funny when you can. Topics to stay away from: religion, politics, sexual harassment, what your significant other calls your genitalia.

-Your photo on LinkedIn should only be full body if you are trying to go into modeling, in which case, wtf are you doing on LinkedIn.

-Playing with Knex and jigsaw puzzles as a child does not necessarily mean that you have fantastic Problem Solving and Analytical Skills.

-Confidence is great! Douchebaggery, not so much.

-“This is just like The Office!” is not a great opener.

-There is an inverse relationship between desperation and salary/dignity. Don’t worry, I hear that McDonald’s is hiring.

-Do not include a hobbies section in your resume. Especially if your hobbies include internet porn and/or shuffleboard.

-You’re not perfect for every job that you apply for. Don’t make the interviewer call security.

-Do your research. You don’t want to go up to Altria Client Services, introduce yourself, and say, “So…cigarettes. Really?” Who has two thumbs and has learned from experience?

-Creativity is good. Rapping to demonstrate mid-interview is not.

-When asked what interests you about a given company, I heard you were hiring is not an acceptable answer. Ever. But really.

-Be prepared to answer any and all of these questions.

As a student, my job is to Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated.