“Would you like fries with that?”

November 16, 2009

I know a girl who broke up with a guy and she told him she wanted to “still be friends.” He said, “No thanks.” She wondered why he couldn’t fall back to being just friends after they had a romantic relationship. I came up with the “McDonalds Analogy” to try and explain it in a simple way that would help all women understand this tough question.

Imagine if you went to McDonalds a lot and ordered a Big Mac Combo meal. A Big Mac, Large Fries and a Coke. You really like this meal. One day, you pull up to the drivethrough and order the Big Mac Combo meal and the girl tells you, “I’m sorry – you can have the Big Mac and the Coke, but you can’t get fries with that anymore.” You think about this for a moment, and sure – the Big Mac is the centerpiece of the meal, but McDonalds has some really good fries and you like their fries with your meal. So you say, “I’ve been able to get fries with that before, why can’t I have fries with my Big Mac combo anymore?” The girls says, “Well, I just think it is better if you only have the Big Mac and the Coke from here on out.”

At this point, a lot of guys are going to go to Wendy’s or BK and see if they can get fries with their combo at that drivethrough window. But there are some guys who REALLY like McDonalds Big Macs and they might think, “If I keep coming here and ordering the Big Mac and Coke, maybe she’ll change her mind and give me some fries with that later.” So they will keep on getting the combo without the fries until the deal breaker happens: One day that guy is going to order the Big Mac and Coke and then he’s going to pull up a little bit to pay, and someone else is going to pull up to the drivethrough speaker and order the “Big Mac Combo” and he is going to hear the girl say, “Would you like fries with that?”

That’s why guys don’t like to be friends with a girl who breaks up with them.


“Please 4th year responsibly.”

November 15, 2009

“The tradition of the “fourth-year fifth” follows these rules: On the morning of the last home football game, fourth-year students, aka seniors, consume a fifth of liquor to celebrate four years of sub-par football. While the type of liquor is up to the drinker, students are supposed to finish the fifth by kick-off time. It’s an intense tradition, defended by students who claim that it isn’t alcoholism “until you graduate.””

“The only reason we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.”

November 9, 2009
4 Loko

When you have the option, always drink malt.


Destroy the evidence.


Watch out for Sonic the Hedgehog.


Keep it classy.


Don't steal beer from Sam's Club.


Go to the football games.


Help a brother out.


No, but seriously.

“I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.”

August 22, 2009

Next week is the first week of my last year of college. Glad as I am to be a soon-to-be college graduate, I can’t believe the time has gone so fast. After middle school, high school, and 3 years of college, I’m still drawing the same conclusion

homework vs. me

Here’s your go to back to school guide; everything you need to know about writing a college paper. A reminder for my classmates, and a little advice for the first year nubies out there.

How to write a paper in college/university:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.

2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.

13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You’ve probably run out.

19. While you’ve got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).

23. Check out bored.com.

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven’t started either.

26. Look through your housemate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.

30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am – start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

“109 Things to Do at UVA Before Graduating”

August 20, 2009

On the eve of my fourth year, I realize that I’ve still got a lot of living to do. Sure, I’ve sketched out at Down Under more times than I care to remember and struck/stroked/streaked (wtf is the past participle of streak?!) the infamous UVA lawn and lost several treasured peaces of clothing in the process (RIP hanky pankys), but I’ve never been the first ticket at Bodo’s. I’ve never taken an exam outdoors. There are lots of under appreciated and unexplored things that, for sentimentality’s sake, I want to do fourth year. Just looking at the list brings back memories.

#17: Jump on Ruffner Bridge. A feat accomplished on the way to and from many a bad decision fueled late night adventure first year. Invincible and blackout, jumping on Ruffner Bridge was a rite of passage. I think Bonnycastle, best friends, Natty Light, liquor in water bottles, fashion disasters and reckless endangerment. Good times. God, I’m old.

I don’t know if I’ll get through everything on this list, and I sure as hell won’t be blogging about all of it (re: #63, Sketch out at Down Under), but with 274 days till graduation, I’m going to try.

109 things to do at uva

For the original PDF and a more printer friendly poster, check out the original.

Down Under, you treat me so badly.  Also, Party Pics, I hate you with a burning passion.

Down Under, you treat me so badly. Also, Party Pics, I hate you with a burning passion.

“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.”

August 12, 2009

After a summer of office work, I’m going to have a hard time going back to writing weekly essays and research papers.



“This isn’t a school, it’s hell with fluorescent lighting.”

January 13, 2009

First day of classes 2009…I cannot believe it. I would love to write about the mindblowing sex that I have been having since I returned on Sunday but since I am in a library filled with prying eyes and gossip girls…I’ll just share a website with you. Here are some fun/funny/wildly inappropriate things to do on the first day of class.

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
22. Address the professor as “your excellency”.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!”

And don’t worry, I will fill you in on the salacious details of my private life at a later (more private) time. Bring on the weekend!