“When you look like I do, it’s hard to get a table for one at Chuckie Cheese.”

June 26, 2009

Zach Galifianakis goes back to school! Pre-school. I watched Zach Galifianakis: Live at the Purple Onion last weekend with my boyfriend during the late night Zach Attack on Comedy Central, and was pretty enthralled; he isn’t so much of a stand up comedian as an entertainer and a personality. There is something about his self-assuredness and dead pan look that just lures audiences in. When he burped into the microphone, the whole audience (guilty as charged), laughed with him as though he had told an awesome joke. The highlight of the special was definitely Zach pretending to be his brother during an interview; hilarious.

Zach: Miles, what’s your joke?
Miles: A chicken!


“Why are you naked?!”

June 22, 2009

After two weeks at the top, The Hangover has at last been overtaken by The Proposal, starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. Bullock returns to her bread and butter – romcoms – with her biggest opening weekend ever. The film’s box office stands at $34.1 million, giving Bullock a very warm welcome back to the big screen. Distributors chose a good time to release it; it had major competition from another romantic comedy, and wasn’t (slash hasn’t yet been) demolished by Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

“Holy sh*t! Are we really going to shoot this in outerspace?”

June 20, 2009

A couple of nights ago, I watched “Zach & Miri Make a Porno.” I wasn’t sure what to expect; after watching the gratuitously violent fiasco that was “Pineapple Express,” I wasn’t sure how funny Zach & Miri would be. I apologize now for ever doubting Rogen, because this was a genuinely hilarious piece of work. I felt mildly violated by the never ending sexual innuendo and liberal use of the “c” word – I hate that word – but it was still a feel good find. Justin Long’s cameo as the gay pornstar boyfriend of a guy from Zach & Miri’s graduating class just may have made the movie for me. It’s worth the rent just for those 5 minutes of deep voiced dialogue:

Brandon: Hello Miriam.
Miriam Linky: Beat it, we’re talking.
Zack Brown: I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.
Brandon: Salutations.
Zack Brown: Bobby’s boyfriend.
Miriam Linky: Bobby who?
Bobby Long: Bobby me.
Zack Brown: Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?
Brandon: “You better shut your mouth or I’m gonna fuck it.”

Brandon: “Who would have thought we’d come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity!”

I wouldn’t suggest this as a first date/family friendly/watch with people you fear/respect type of movie, but it’s surely a worthwhile movie night pick with good friends/significant others. Enjoy responsibly.

“Some Guys Just Can’t Handle Vegas”

June 11, 2009

Summertime always delivers lots of movies. There are the blockbusters (Transformers 2), the bombs (Land of the Lost), the romcoms (The Ugly Truth), and the surprises…enter The Hangover. Although Bradley Cooper aka The Beautiful One was annoying beyond belief, the comedic chops of Zach Galifianakis completely made up for it. The beauty of it is that the actors hail from the Great Unknown (no Owen Wilson/Seth Rogen cameos). I remember watching Cooper in “He’s Just Not That Into You,” Bartha in “National Treasure” (come to think of it, I demand a refund for the sequel), Helms as Andy Bernard in “The Office,” and Galifianakis on Comedy Central, but none of these guys have headlined major movies, making their comedy and subsequent box office domination a pleasant surprise. In addition, seeing it after a weekend of bad decisions made me feel relatively sane/responsible/ok; the foursomes fail > my fail. If you haven’t seen it, see it. If you’ve already seen it, see it again. I know I will.

On a side note…did Mr. Chow have a penis?

Stu Price: You do know counting cards is illegal, right?
Alan Garner: It’s not illegal, it’s just frowned upon. Like masturbating in an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, too.
Alan Garner: Maybe since 9/11 when everyone got so damn sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden!

“This city’s got big buildings I like food bye.”

January 7, 2009
I sometimes (always) wish that I had a vending machine in my house.

I sometimes (always) wish that I had a vending machine in my house.

There is no good junkfood in the house for me to gorge myself on. I don’t have a joke for that, it’s just really good news.

I often wish that I was a standup comedian. There is something about them that is so free and confident, commanding the stage with their own brand of comedy. Re: Jim Gaffigan or Daniel Tosh.

As a female, I feel that I have a congenital disadvantage: boobs and a vagina. Female comics just do not do as well as males. Whatever, I’m not bitter. The true comediannes of our time are everywhere in disguise: eg. LC (previously of the OC “Where everyone is white and rich like god intended”) on The Hills. I prefer to think of the show as a joke that the cast members brilliantly masterminded and are in on instead of the innane bullshit that it actually is. LC’s one liners alone are enough for hours of entertainment:

Go with your gut but use your head.

He’s a good looking guy but looks can only take you so far.

There’s a difference between good people who do bad things and bad people who do bad things.

I trust him as far as I can throw him and I don’t even think I can lift him.

I feel like that scriptwriters from The Hills took a note out of whoever the hell writes the horrible one liners for Horatio on CSI: Miami. He’ll always say something “devilishly clever” right before the opening credits role. Ew. Vom.com.

Alright, be on the lookout for an Eastern European male with bad teeth who may have access to an ape.

You know what they say “You lie down with the Devil, you wake up in Hell”.

Tomorrow’s what you make of it.

Justice is not yours to dispense, and now you’re going to pay for it.

Horatio's going to LOVE this.

Horatio's going to LOVE this.