“Please 4th year responsibly.”

November 15, 2009

“The tradition of the “fourth-year fifth” follows these rules: On the morning of the last home football game, fourth-year students, aka seniors, consume a fifth of liquor to celebrate four years of sub-par football. While the type of liquor is up to the drinker, students are supposed to finish the fifth by kick-off time. It’s an intense tradition, defended by students who claim that it isn’t alcoholism “until you graduate.””


“I’m a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.”

October 1, 2009

Things I’ve Learned in College

-A can of lite beer has fewer calories than a can of regular soda.

-Pregnant jokes are never funny.

-Ramen noodles eaten when drunk can taste better than a home cooked meal.

-Everyone says that they were the shit in high school. Even the guy in the vintage (re: old and unwashed) Lord of the Rings shirt.

-Boxed wine is real. Juiceboxed wine is better.

-Call your parents. If you don’t, they will assume that you have been abducted, eloped with a professor, or plagued with swine flu.

-Although you may have survived an 8-3 school day in high school, signing up for any class at 8 am is a guaranteed fail. Double fail if it’s on a Friday.

-Getting sick isn’t fun when you’re eating canned soup and watching Days of Our Lives instead of momma’s chicken noodle and Power Rangers.


-Beer goggles should be crosslisted with venereal diseases on WebMD.

-Dignity has a strict no takesie backsies policy.

-If you send out Facebook invites to a party and promise free booze, people will come. As soon as the booze runs out, they will all magically disappear. Except for aforementioned creepy guy in the Lord of the Rings t-shirt who you didn’t invite in the first place.

-The number of people forced to strip their way through college is wildly over exaggerated by Hollywood.

-If you don’t want to see someone, you are guaranteed to run into them on campus. Probably while looking like shit.

-The likelihood of attending class is conversely related to the temperature outdoors.

-Your body knows the difference between Grey Goose and unfiltered vodka.

-All nighters are a way of life. Caffeine is their lifeblood.

You can sleep anywhere.

You can sleep anywhere.

-Although everyone pays $500 per semester for books, come buy back time English majors will be lucky to walk away with a $20 bill while Econ majors and Engineers will be sitting pretty on 75 cents on the dollar.

-For some girls, just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels is an acceptable pickup line.

-Just because it’s a gut class doesn’t mean that you can skip every lecture and expect an A and a letter of recommendation.

-The weekend starts on Thursday. Or whenever the biggest alcoholic of the group says it does.

-The Walk of Shame feels a lot worse on a Sunday morning if you live near a church.

-Student Health hands out birth control like tic tacs.

-Someone will remember what you did the next morning. And hopefully, where your pants are.

Powerpoints can be made about anything.

Powerpoints can be made about anything.

-The one class you missed all semester will comprise a minimum of 40% of the final.

-The walls in college dorm rooms are thinner than you may think.

-Formal functions involve putting on a dress and heels, getting hammered on wine, and swaying dangerously on the dancefloor to mediocre cover bands.

-There will always be an asshole in the class that everyone else is aware leaks bullshit out of every orifice but the professor loves.

-Drinking more will make you better at beer bong. It will also make you think that you’re wildly attractive.

-“I’ll try anything once” should not be a hard and fast rule.

-There are hot boys all over campus. None of them will end up in your classes.

-When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible.

You can never have enough Natty.

You can never have enough Natty.

“Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.”

– Dead Poet’s Society

“How to Make a Watermelon Keg”

August 12, 2009

Drunken Watermelon on Tap > Standard Vodka Watermelon. Bring on the end of summer festivities.

How to Make a Watermelon Keg

How to Make a Watermelon Keg

“I see you’ve been eating noodles.” – Definitely, Maybe

July 29, 2009

Watching 2 Guys, a Girl,and a Pizza Parlor as a child, I never caught on to the fact that Ryan Reynolds is actually a good actor. Sure, he’s handsome, and he always delivered the witty lines of his character well, but he seemed like any other made for syndicated TV disposable Ken doll. I rooted for him in Van Wilder: Party Liason, but still wasn’t sold on his credibility. Cut to The Proposal, a surprisingly enjoyable romcom that felt refreshingly genuine and suggested that there might be more to Reynolds than his 18 pack abs and sense of humor.

Last Friday after work, I watch Definitely, Maybe. In the movie, Reynolds tells the complicated history of girlfriends past to his 11 year old daughter played by Abigail Breslin. Three women – Elizabth Banks, Isla Fisher, and Rachel Weisz – make up the bulk of the story, and Breslin’s character has to figure out which one is her mother. It was hard to watch in parts; Reynolds left Banks, his college girlfriend, to go pursue a career in political consulting. Seeing a movie that reminds you of the precarious-ness of college relationships while entering your 4th and last year of college (con boyfriend) is never easy. Surprisingly, I wasn’t rooting for Banks’s character in the end. The dynamic created in the movie between Fisher and Reynolds was so perfect it must have been born of a focus group. Each relationship was different and interesting, and Reynolds brought a needed realness to the story. Let me be clear; this movie is a romcom, not a drama, but it was so well acted I feel almost guilty lumping it in the same group as the Matthew McConaughey disaster “Fool’s Gold.”

Perhaps I’m not being objective enough in my review of this movie; a couple of glasses of White Zinfandel down, the rose colored glasses tend to come on. That said, I unapologetically give this movie an A-; it was a pleasant surprise, refreshingly honest, and made for my 20 something demographic. I would expect no less from the makers of Love Actually and Notting Hill.

“(714): we’re chasing vodka with high fives”

June 11, 2009

Texts From Last Night is the best site since FML since Fail Blog. They need to work on their Twitter, but the site itself offers endless laughs and excitement.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

(419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back…and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

(904): the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

(402): I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.

(201): I’m smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie

(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

(661): Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
(831): Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

(360): two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn’t it?
(206): only if you didn’t want to fuck up your life.

(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

I may now have to sift through my iPhone and collect/assemble a “Best of”/”Top 10 List” of best text convos. I love college.