“Horror films seem to always take place at night and the weather’s always bad.” – Friday the 13th

August 15, 2009

Friday the 13th Essential Stats

Runtime: 97 minutes
Hot Cast Members: Jared Padalecki (of Supernatural fame) & Travis Van Winkle (the douche in Accepted…and this movie)
Death Count: 13
Boob Count: 6

…for the record, all of the boobs in the Playboy Mansion couldn’t have saved this movie. Even Padalecki, professional hottie and all around good guy, couldn’t save this movie. To say it was formulaic is a rash understatement. Girls, if you take your top off, you’re going to get killed. Guys, stop initiating trips to strange/deserted places with your best friends for a good time. Everyone, if the lights go out, the phones die, and the cop winds up dead, splitting up to investigate is a bad idea. Curiosity killed the cat…and the main characters in Jeepers Creepers, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Final Destination, The Ring, and their sequels.


I’m writing it off as another failed teen slasher flick.

“My Bloody Valentine 2D”

July 28, 2009

Note to self: movies that are advertised as 3D should only be seen in 3D. That’s their gimmick, their “thing,” and the only way they’re worth watching. Watching My Bloody Valentine, I can see how, in the theater, with the goofy 3D glasses on, this might have been a thrilling scary movie. But without those goofy glasses or the 3D DVD, the movie falls short. Jamie King’s beautiful, but who is she kidding? She can’t hold up a movie any better than Tara Reid or Amy Smart. This is hardly a ahoking revelation, but had to be said. While working my way through my Netflix queue this summer, my tolerance for shitty [horror] movies has substantially decreased. My faith in the strength of the genre falters after enduring Walled In, The Unborn, The Uninvited, Vacancy, The Uninvited, the abomination that was The Haunting of Molly Hartley & now My Bloody Valentine. I’m hoping that going to see Orphan will restore my faith in scary movies.

“Who am I going to tell my stories to?”

June 23, 2009

After working all day yesterday, 2 am rolled around and I still couldn’t seem to fall asleep. The Uninvited was lying on my bedroom floor, as it has been for the past few nights, and it beckoned. Late night horror movies when you’re alone in your apartment are never a good idea (re: The Ring, Gothika), but I nonetheless popped it in my DVD player. I haven’t seen a genuinely scary thriller in awhile (The Haunting of Molly Hartley was a miserable failure), and my hopes weren’t too high for The Uninvited, but I was pleasantly surprised by decent acting, a solid plot, and a twist faintly reminiscent of 2005’s De Niro psychological thriller Hide and Seek. I have a lame tendency to watch horror movies with one eye open and thus not really commit/allow myself to get scared, but I became pretty fully immersed in The Uninvited. The horror/thriller hybrid pulled me in. Elizabeth Banks is convincingly creepy, and Emily Browning plays Anna well. Definitely not a movie to write home about, but with so many young adult horror movies bombing, this was a pleasant surprise. I give it a B-.