“I thought you only murdered boys.” “I go both ways.” – Jennifer’s Body

September 22, 2009

Is it so wrong of me to get a small sense of satisfaction from the knowledge that Jennifer’s Body bombed? Its 5th place box office gross this weekend was a measly $6.8 million, putting it a couple million behind Love Happens (ya, another Aniston romcom), and a full $24.8 million behind Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. I don’t have too much to be happy about: between the rest of its theater run and DVD release, “Body” will likely cover its $16 million production budget, but after a summer spent inundated by Fox, I can’t help but indulge in a Chesire Cat smile moment. I’m a fan of Juno‘s Diablo Cody, but the horror comedy genre is a serious tough sell, especially when you’re marketing high school to an R rated audience. Had they forgone a little flesh and a few f-bombs, I doubt the movie would have floundered so badly.


That said, I’m still totally seeing it.


“Really my only job is to look attractive.”

August 4, 2009

“…And commence tent-pitching in 3…2…1…” was the text sent to me from MJ sitting four seats down from me the moment Megan Fox came on screen in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I understand why; she is unbelievably hot and very possibly the reason that Lonely Island wrote the fabled classic “Jizz in My Pants.”

Today, August 4th, marks Megan Fox Awareness Day. Several men’s sites including AskMen.com have christened a Megan Fox blackout in which no pictures will be shown and no articles written about the exotic beauty. It’s more hilarious than anything else; only a few sites have agreed to this blackout, and in talking about it so much, they have only brought more exposure to the allegedly overexposed Ms. Fox. I have a feeling this blackout would have been a little more useful post-release of Jennifer’s Body on September 18th, which is likely to bring the Megan obsession to pandemic levels.

“Beginning. Middle. End. Facts. Details. Condense. Plot. Tell it.”

July 9, 2009

Last night, I went to see Transformers. My expectations were pretty low: I fell asleep during the first one when I watched it for the first time at home a couple of months ago, and although I acknowledge that Megan Fox is intergalactically gorgeous, I couldn’t really get into the forced robot voices and manipulatively heavy handed score. Sam’s car Bumblebee was a badass, and Shia LeBouf was funny and a surprisingly good actor, but I was less than ecstatic about going to see it.


Two and a half hours of soft-core Megan Fox porn, robot battles, nonsensical explosions and intermittent laughter later, I left the theater exactly as I entered it; ambivalent. The Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg pairing was a surefire win (the movie’s already made 300$ million), but the movie lost the plot and there was way too much robot on robot green screen action. Plus, the movie was too long (40 oz. of soda + almost 3 hours in a theater = Wanted: Catheter). It had everything you’ve come to expect out of a summer blockbuster: hot girls, sexy guys (although I would have appreciated more shirtlessness re: Josh Duhamel), explosions, bad guys/bots, etc. – but as far as it being a quality movie, it missed the mark. That said, I’m sure that every guy that I was with (boyfriend included) jizzed in their pants upon seeing that first shot of Megan Fox in her daisy dukes lounging on her motorcycle.

Highlight: Skids & Mudflap’s ghetto ass back & forth.

“Transformers…it’s upgrade time.”

June 28, 2009

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen sweeps the weekend box office, taking a projected 5 day total earnings of about $201.6 million, just short of The Dark Knight’s 5 day take last year which was the biggest ever. Michael Bay & Steven Spielberg have already covered their $200 million budget, and the film looks like it will quickly surpass Up as the highest grossing movie of 2009.