“I think you end up doing the stuff you were supposed to do at the time you were supposed to do it. “

December 24, 2010

Robert Downey Jr. Quote

Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Jr. and (vom) Jude Law hits theaters tomorrow.

“L’age d’or of the disaster movie.”

November 10, 2009


“I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.”

October 31, 2009

Halloween Survival Guide

The following are tips for any character in a horror film. If you do happen to find yourself in a horror film someday, use these tips wisely and you may make it out alive. Until the sequel that is…

Survival Tips:

1. When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

3. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.

4. If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town’s old abandoned mansion, don’t tag along. Especially don’t tag along if everyone’s going as couples, except you’re the odd guy/gal out. And if you’re the gang’s jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you’re driving with them to the place.

8. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

9. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

10. Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

11. Never pick up hitchhikers.

12. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

13. In fact they won’t actually “be right back.”

“You know, I’ve been looking for a secretary. How good is your dictation? Get it, DICK-tation!?”

October 12, 2009

Even a couple of weeks after seeing it, I cannot bring myself to write a review of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Yep, that miserable. Where Fool’s Gold was laughably bad, this was a crack addicts equivalent of rock bottom. The only way that it could have been worse is if I had a) paid money to see it and/or b) Jessica Simpson made a cameo.

Why I Hated Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

1) The archetypal chauvinism: The portrayal of women? Nothing cute, nothing new, nothing even hinting at creative. I’m not what you would consider a feminist, but come on. You’ve banged how many women McConaughey? Really? Ya, no one is giving you brownie points. Just STDs and child support papers.

2) The slutty bridesmaids: Think the acting won’t get worse than McConaughey’s douchey smirks and always gratuitous “Alright, alright?” Think again.

3) The cameos: I can only hope that when Michael Douglas, Christina Milian, Camille Guaty, Anne Archer, Lacey Chabert and Emma Sone agreed to do the movie, they read a different version of the script. (Retraction: Christina Milian is all about questionable career decisions). I would question Jennifer Garner’s involvement, but then again, Elektra.

4) The script: Uncle Wayne, played by Michael Douglas, Connor Mead, lived by Matthew McConaughey. just a taster…

Connor Mead: (breaking up with three women simultaneously on a confeProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

nce call) Listen, I’m sincerely pressed for time right now so I’m going to have to do this in bulk. Um, it’s not going to work out for us!

Uncle Wayne: So here’s a couple of tips. When you first meet a girl you give her two compliments above the neck. Yeah, tell her she’s got nice lips, nice eyes, nice hair… she’s intelligent, her moral ethics, whatever crap comes to your mind. Then just when she begins to thinks that you’re another – you know – vanilla nice guy that she can tool around with all night without getting naked…
[hits his hand on bar] you *insult* her! Flip the power dynamic and your let her know that you’re here to play.

Conner Mead: You’ve got to risk love Sandra! I didn’t and look at me, I’m a lonely ghost of a man. It doesn’t mean that you’re never going to get hurt but the pain you feel will never compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love.

Dont expect any McConaughey money shots

Don't expect any McConaughey money shots

5) The lack of nudity: McConaughey never takes his shirt off. I was under the impression that that’s why he gets hired to do movies. If you need any explanation as to why this is a problem…

6) The association with Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol”: Or rather, the association with the myriad of spinoffs. It makes a mockery of the legacy of both Mickey’s Christmas Carol and Muppet Christmas Carol. Way to ruin the classic(s).

7) The runtime: It’s 100 minutes that you’ll never get back. It feels a lot longer. Trust me.

8) Genre confusion: I fail to see where this was romantic, comedic, or any bizarre combination of the two. Class A Fail.

9) The worst part: The whole movie.

Check out this clip of Stewie ripping into McConaughey

“Can’t wait to see ‘Where The Wild Things Are.’ Not to brag, but I’ve read the book.”

September 24, 2009

Don’t pretend you aren’t excited for Where the Wild Things Are.

Arcade Fire – Wake Up is the music in the trailer. The movie hits theaters October 16th.

“I thought you only murdered boys.” “I go both ways.” – Jennifer’s Body

September 22, 2009

Is it so wrong of me to get a small sense of satisfaction from the knowledge that Jennifer’s Body bombed? Its 5th place box office gross this weekend was a measly $6.8 million, putting it a couple million behind Love Happens (ya, another Aniston romcom), and a full $24.8 million behind Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. I don’t have too much to be happy about: between the rest of its theater run and DVD release, “Body” will likely cover its $16 million production budget, but after a summer spent inundated by Fox, I can’t help but indulge in a Chesire Cat smile moment. I’m a fan of Juno‘s Diablo Cody, but the horror comedy genre is a serious tough sell, especially when you’re marketing high school to an R rated audience. Had they forgone a little flesh and a few f-bombs, I doubt the movie would have floundered so badly.


That said, I’m still totally seeing it.

“Civilization is an illusion, a game of pretend.” – The Invasion

August 20, 2009

Aside from “The Others” and “Moulin Rouge,” I’m not a big Nicole Kidman fan, but I actually enjoyed “The Invasion.” As of late, I have found Sci-Fi thrillers to creep me out infinitely more than the horror genre (eg. The strange but engaging Nicolas Cage film “Knowing” vs. the utter fail that was “Friday the 13th”). In “The Invasion,” Nicole Kidman plays a psychiatrist who begins to notice strange things everywhere. A client comes in and tells her, “My husband is not my husband,” and Kidman’s character, though first prescribing her anti-psychotics, realizes that people all around her are becoming something…else. The human race is being overtaken by a highly contagious alien virus that restructures DNA during REM sleep. Her best friends, her clients, and her ex husband have all been assimilated, and her son is nowhere to be found. With the help of Daniel Craig, Kidman must race against time to find her son and a safe haven; but she mustn’t fall asleep.


Many critics have bashed this remake of the 1958 original “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”, but I found it entertaining. Kidman is in her element as a frantic mother, and I’ve come to enjoy Daniel Craig’s acting. It’s mediocre sci-fi, but I found it eerie and engaging.