Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Jr. and (vom) Jude Law hits theaters tomorrow.
Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Jr. and (vom) Jude Law hits theaters tomorrow.
Halloween Survival Guide
The following are tips for any character in a horror film. If you do happen to find yourself in a horror film someday, use these tips wisely and you may make it out alive. Until the sequel that is…
1. When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.
2. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
3. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.
4. If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town’s old abandoned mansion, don’t tag along. Especially don’t tag along if everyone’s going as couples, except you’re the odd guy/gal out. And if you’re the gang’s jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you’re driving with them to the place.
8. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
9. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
10. Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
11. Never pick up hitchhikers.
12. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
13. In fact they won’t actually “be right back.”
Even a couple of weeks after seeing it, I cannot bring myself to write a review of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Yep, that miserable. Where Fool’s Gold was laughably bad, this was a crack addicts equivalent of rock bottom. The only way that it could have been worse is if I had a) paid money to see it and/or b) Jessica Simpson made a cameo.
Why I Hated Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
1) The archetypal chauvinism: The portrayal of women? Nothing cute, nothing new, nothing even hinting at creative. I’m not what you would consider a feminist, but come on. You’ve banged how many women McConaughey? Really? Ya, no one is giving you brownie points. Just STDs and child support papers.
2) The slutty bridesmaids: Think the acting won’t get worse than McConaughey’s douchey smirks and always gratuitous “Alright, alright?” Think again.
3) The cameos: I can only hope that when Michael Douglas, Christina Milian, Camille Guaty, Anne Archer, Lacey Chabert and Emma Sone agreed to do the movie, they read a different version of the script. (Retraction: Christina Milian is all about questionable career decisions). I would question Jennifer Garner’s involvement, but then again, Elektra.
4) The script: Uncle Wayne, played by Michael Douglas, Connor Mead, lived by Matthew McConaughey. just a taster…
Connor Mead: (breaking up with three women simultaneously on a confeProxy-Connection: keep-alive
nce call) Listen, I’m sincerely pressed for time right now so I’m going to have to do this in bulk. Um, it’s not going to work out for us!
Uncle Wayne: So here’s a couple of tips. When you first meet a girl you give her two compliments above the neck. Yeah, tell her she’s got nice lips, nice eyes, nice hair… she’s intelligent, her moral ethics, whatever crap comes to your mind. Then just when she begins to thinks that you’re another – you know – vanilla nice guy that she can tool around with all night without getting naked…
[hits his hand on bar] you *insult* her! Flip the power dynamic and your let her know that you’re here to play.
Conner Mead: You’ve got to risk love Sandra! I didn’t and look at me, I’m a lonely ghost of a man. It doesn’t mean that you’re never going to get hurt but the pain you feel will never compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love.
5) The lack of nudity: McConaughey never takes his shirt off. I was under the impression that that’s why he gets hired to do movies. If you need any explanation as to why this is a problem…
6) The association with Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol”: Or rather, the association with the myriad of spinoffs. It makes a mockery of the legacy of both Mickey’s Christmas Carol and Muppet Christmas Carol. Way to ruin the classic(s).
7) The runtime: It’s 100 minutes that you’ll never get back. It feels a lot longer. Trust me.
8) Genre confusion: I fail to see where this was romantic, comedic, or any bizarre combination of the two. Class A Fail.
9) The worst part: The whole movie.
Check out this clip of Stewie ripping into McConaughey
Is it so wrong of me to get a small sense of satisfaction from the knowledge that Jennifer’s Body bombed? Its 5th place box office gross this weekend was a measly $6.8 million, putting it a couple million behind Love Happens (ya, another Aniston romcom), and a full $24.8 million behind Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. I don’t have too much to be happy about: between the rest of its theater run and DVD release, “Body” will likely cover its $16 million production budget, but after a summer spent inundated by Fox, I can’t help but indulge in a Chesire Cat smile moment. I’m a fan of Juno‘s Diablo Cody, but the horror comedy genre is a serious tough sell, especially when you’re marketing high school to an R rated audience. Had they forgone a little flesh and a few f-bombs, I doubt the movie would have floundered so badly.
That said, I’m still totally seeing it.
Aside from “The Others” and “Moulin Rouge,” I’m not a big Nicole Kidman fan, but I actually enjoyed “The Invasion.” As of late, I have found Sci-Fi thrillers to creep me out infinitely more than the horror genre (eg. The strange but engaging Nicolas Cage film “Knowing” vs. the utter fail that was “Friday the 13th”). In “The Invasion,” Nicole Kidman plays a psychiatrist who begins to notice strange things everywhere. A client comes in and tells her, “My husband is not my husband,” and Kidman’s character, though first prescribing her anti-psychotics, realizes that people all around her are becoming something…else. The human race is being overtaken by a highly contagious alien virus that restructures DNA during REM sleep. Her best friends, her clients, and her ex husband have all been assimilated, and her son is nowhere to be found. With the help of Daniel Craig, Kidman must race against time to find her son and a safe haven; but she mustn’t fall asleep.
Many critics have bashed this remake of the 1958 original “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”, but I found it entertaining. Kidman is in her element as a frantic mother, and I’ve come to enjoy Daniel Craig’s acting. It’s mediocre sci-fi, but I found it eerie and engaging.
Thirty Days Hath September
Extract September 4th
Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Ben Affleck, Mila Kunis
Gamer September 4th
Gerard Butler, Michael C. Hall, Ludacris
All About Steve September 4th
Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church
9 September 11th
Elijah Wood, Jennifer Connelly, Crispin Glover
The Informant September 18th
Matt Damon, Tony Hale, Patton Oswalt
Love Happens September 18th
Jennifer Aniston, Aaron Eckhart
Surrogates September 25th
Bruce Willis, Radha Mitchell, Ving Rhames
Fame September 25th
Kelsey Grammer, Bebe Neuwirth, Megan Mullally
Friday the 13th Essential Stats
…for the record, all of the boobs in the Playboy Mansion couldn’t have saved this movie. Even Padalecki, professional hottie and all around good guy, couldn’t save this movie. To say it was formulaic is a rash understatement. Girls, if you take your top off, you’re going to get killed. Guys, stop initiating trips to strange/deserted places with your best friends for a good time. Everyone, if the lights go out, the phones die, and the cop winds up dead, splitting up to investigate is a bad idea. Curiosity killed the cat…and the main characters in Jeepers Creepers, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Final Destination, The Ring, and their sequels.
I’m writing it off as another failed teen slasher flick.
Twilight: I can’t say I’m a convert, but I actually enjoyed this movie. The sexual tension between Bella and Edward is constantly on the brink of exploding, making for an extremely engaging movie.
–> heavy handed 80s music (are you KIDDING?)
–> Kristin Stewart:
a) Sounds like a man
b) is incredibly smug
–> Robert Pattinson‘s pouty lips and lusty close-ups
–> the questionable writing. eg.
“Your scent, it’s like a drug to me. Like my own personal brand of heroin.” Again…are you KIDDING?
–> uhm, hello! Robert Pattinson!
–> Nikki Reed‘s hilarious moodiness
–> Interesting looking Alice & Jasper Cullen
–> the revelation that vampires both play baseball and climb trees with extreme fervor
–> Taylor Lautner…yum.
Best/Most Hilarious Part: Rogue vampires try to eat Bella during a Cullen family baseball game. The Cullen’s are none too pleased. Edi Gathegi (Laurent) says: “I can see the game is over.”
Apologies for reviewing a PG-13 movie like an NC-17 pay per view special, but Twilight was so overloaded with sexual innuendo, I almost felt dirty watching it (Note: I am not a prude). Even though I know from interviews that the series author Stephenie Meyer implemented a strict no sex til marriage rule for Bella and Edward, I was still waiting for them to bone the entire film. Fail. I guess I’ll have to be patient and check out the next installments. Twilight Saga: New Moon hits theaters November 20th.