“Well Chi Chi sounds like a weiner.”

June 16, 2009

Another bites the dust on Daisy of Love. Fox is a goner after Daisy manned up and told him to get the f*ck out at the end of the last episode. Poor dumbass hairdresser. I can’t say that I’m sad to see him go – he was so stupid – but his unintentionally hilarious one-liners and perpetual drunkenness will be missed.

“Who is Marilyn Monroe?” – Fox

“Make it look as dark and bright as possible” – Fox during photo shoot

“And then Cage just got all furiated!” – Fox

“I’m out like sauerkraut. I’m just so sorry that it had to end this way, knowing the fact that, this situation had to occur.” – Fox’s exit interview

Daisy of Love is easily the best reality show on VH1 in recent memory. The hot but busted girl and horny meathead/emo combo makes for seriously good bad television. Daisy is completely overdone, vamped up, and perfectly stupid. She just may be the funniest “personality” VH1 has had in awhile.

“This is called Daisy of Love, not Daisy of Kill.” – Daisy

“6 Gauge rips his pants off and starts shaking his banana hammock like I’ve never seen someone shake his banana hammock before.” – Daisy

Stupid as she is, the girl’s got nothing on Real Chance of Love/Charm School’s Bubbles (or “retarded child” as Ashley calls her)

Ashley: Shut the f*ck up Bubbles. Why don’t you go swim or something?!

Bubbles: I was planning on going swimming in the pool later anyways.

SERIOUSLY?! Clueless, you have a call on line one. Clueless, call line one.


“Some Guys Just Can’t Handle Vegas”

June 11, 2009

Summertime always delivers lots of movies. There are the blockbusters (Transformers 2), the bombs (Land of the Lost), the romcoms (The Ugly Truth), and the surprises…enter The Hangover. Although Bradley Cooper aka The Beautiful One was annoying beyond belief, the comedic chops of Zach Galifianakis completely made up for it. The beauty of it is that the actors hail from the Great Unknown (no Owen Wilson/Seth Rogen cameos). I remember watching Cooper in “He’s Just Not That Into You,” Bartha in “National Treasure” (come to think of it, I demand a refund for the sequel), Helms as Andy Bernard in “The Office,” and Galifianakis on Comedy Central, but none of these guys have headlined major movies, making their comedy and subsequent box office domination a pleasant surprise. In addition, seeing it after a weekend of bad decisions made me feel relatively sane/responsible/ok; the foursomes fail > my fail. If you haven’t seen it, see it. If you’ve already seen it, see it again. I know I will.

On a side note…did Mr. Chow have a penis?

Stu Price: You do know counting cards is illegal, right?
Alan Garner: It’s not illegal, it’s just frowned upon. Like masturbating in an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, too.
Alan Garner: Maybe since 9/11 when everyone got so damn sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden!

“When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me”

January 7, 2009

It’s official: I want to marry a Chandler.

Somewhere in between the late night debauchery, relatives wearing holiday sweaters, and really bad television (re: The Hotel Inspector, Nothing to Declare, Lockup), I’ve managed to do something really useful with my time: watch Friends. The much talked about finale was probably the only episode I tuned into. I was the dislocated American youth who somehow missed the love affair with Friends; I blame living abroad. I have a weird affinity for the weirdly tight knit group of 30-somethings. I find myself referencing it in casual conversation:

(Me at coffee shop with England-ex): This is just like The One where Ross doesn’t want to have a DTR with his girlfriend so he gives her his one and only house key to avoid a real conversation…
England Ex: You are a tool.

Ok, so he didn’t call me a tool, but it went something like that. I missed the boat that no one wants to discuss the Monica/Chandler, Rachel/Ross, craziness of Joey/Phoebe dynamics with me. I get that sort of “You’re only catching up now? I watched the 5 years ago!” reaction, so I kind of just stopped talking about it publicly. Quotes after the jump.

Your jobs a joke, youre broke, your love lifes DOA.

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.

Reporter: I like that. what’s your name?
[pointing tape recorder at Pheobe]
Phoebe: Pheobe. That’s, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in… Ello there mate.

Joey: You don’t know what it’s like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.
Chandler: I don’t know what that’s like? Up until I was 25, I thought the only response to “I love you” was “Oh, crap.”

Phoebe: And then we can teach them to sing and we’ll be like the Von Trapp family. Although without the Nazis – no, that sounds kinda dull.

Joey: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch’s eyebrows are actually on his hat?
Chandler: You think that’s what’s weird? Joey, the man’s been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years

“Becoming wealthy is like playing Monopoly”

January 5, 2009

T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, its just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say Dont go there but thats... lame.

Michael: T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say "Don't go there" but that's... lame.

I wikipedia-ed Ponzi Scheme to understand exactly what Madoff did. Truth be told, I have been pulling the nod-and-smile routine as everyone around me discusses Ponzi schemes as though they have estranged uncles or sketchy friends who first hand showed them the ropes. I thought for awhile that it was just a pyramid scheme, and imagined Madoff as the dude behind the scheme that screwed over Michael Scott in an episode of The Office (2.19, Michael’s Birthday)

Michael: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Oscar: Who is this guy again?
Michael: Don’t worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are… the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore?
Michael: You know what? That’s a nice attitude, Ryan, I’m just helping you invest in your future, my friend.
Oscar: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.
Michael: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
Toby: Didn’t you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? …Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright.
Jim: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme?
Michael: Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we’re all going to make. It’s not a pyramid scheme, it is a… it’s not even a scheme per se, it’s… [Jim draws a triangle around Michael’s diagram] … I have to go make a call.

Apparently not. How Madoff got away with it for so long is a mystery to me.