“One day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle.”

September 19, 2009

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…life is really like this
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Our lives drifts along with normal things happening. Some ups, some downs, but nothing to go down in history about. Nothing so fantastic or terrible that it’ll be told for a thousand years. That’s why people invent fights. That’s why we’re drawn to sports. That’s why we act like everything that happens to us is such a big deal.
We’re trying to make our life into the fairy tale. – Kurt Vonnegut

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.”

June 12, 2009

I’m a huge fan of Men’s Health. I realize that, as a 21 year old female college student I’m hardly their target audience, but the magazine intrigues me. It’s so much more inclusive than your average Cosmopolitan (seriously, recycling the same 15 sex positions and giving them different names does not warrant a 4 page article about “How to Blow Your Man’s [Mind]”), covering everything from fitness, to health, to travel and science. And of course I don’t mind skimming the love/sex/relationships section (hint: if by skim reading you mean over-analyzing), because it’s always fun to see how the other side thinks. I’ve been following Men’s Health on Twitter, and they just posted an article entitled: “How Nice Guys Can Impress Women.” The problem is, is that it’s by women. Look, I spent $9.50 on He’s Just Not That Into You; I know that women just don’t give the best dating advice. We say that we want specific things, but it’s not (and we’re not), that simple. The article presents a list of nine things:

Be Confident
But Don’t Be Arrogant
Don’t Whine, Complain or Bitch
Stop Being So Considerate
Compliment Her
Touch Her
Recruit a Wingwoman
Buy Her a Drink
Make Her Laugh

Hold up. There is no algorithm for getting in my pants. This is a wonderful song and dance, but how about the next step? Maybe these are just foot in the door tactics, but the authors failed to mention an important piece of advice: be yourself. Women are perceptive. I know it all seems to go south after a few Mojitos, but we can still see through your bullshit (unless your target is blacked out/holding onto a toilet for dear life and worshiping the porcelain god). Not to mention, these pointers are duh moment worthy. Where’s Bill Engvall? “Here’s your sign.” I’m a girl and I feel like these are a given; so give your readers some credit. That said, I still love the magazine. Even the bad articles are strangely good. To understand why I say this, check out a few of their other posts: 15 Things She Doesn’t Want to Her in Bed, The Great Chef Playbook, and 7 Things Your Doctor’s Not Telling You.

“This isn’t a school, it’s hell with fluorescent lighting.”

January 13, 2009

First day of classes 2009…I cannot believe it. I would love to write about the mindblowing sex that I have been having since I returned on Sunday but since I am in a library filled with prying eyes and gossip girls…I’ll just share a website with you. Here are some fun/funny/wildly inappropriate things to do on the first day of class.

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
22. Address the professor as “your excellency”.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!”

And don’t worry, I will fill you in on the salacious details of my private life at a later (more private) time. Bring on the weekend!