“My Bloody Valentine 2D”

July 28, 2009

Note to self: movies that are advertised as 3D should only be seen in 3D. That’s their gimmick, their “thing,” and the only way they’re worth watching. Watching My Bloody Valentine, I can see how, in the theater, with the goofy 3D glasses on, this might have been a thrilling scary movie. But without those goofy glasses or the 3D DVD, the movie falls short. Jamie King’s beautiful, but who is she kidding? She can’t hold up a movie any better than Tara Reid or Amy Smart. This is hardly a ahoking revelation, but had to be said. While working my way through my Netflix queue this summer, my tolerance for shitty [horror] movies has substantially decreased. My faith in the strength of the genre falters after enduring Walled In, The Unborn, The Uninvited, Vacancy, The Uninvited, the abomination that was The Haunting of Molly Hartley & now My Bloody Valentine. I’m hoping that going to see Orphan will restore my faith in scary movies.


“I don’t have to be a Watcher to see where this is going. “

July 5, 2009

As hot as Chris Evans is, he couldn’t captivate me for long enough to sit through the entirety of the surprisingly awful movie “Push.” I’m of the belief that while it’s acceptable to waste half an hour watching bad television, wasting 2 hours watching a bad movie is time you’ll never get back. If the first half hour of a movie sucks, chances are so will the rest of it, so sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. The movie was going nowhere, but I wanted so badly to believe it was going to pick up (re: Chris Evans). The mixture of adolescent Dakota Fanning, bad dialogue, strangely anime like cinematography, and a failing concept totally lost me. My tolerance for bad movies is quickly waning with age. The Haunting of Molly Hartley grade fail.

“Who am I going to tell my stories to?”

June 23, 2009

After working all day yesterday, 2 am rolled around and I still couldn’t seem to fall asleep. The Uninvited was lying on my bedroom floor, as it has been for the past few nights, and it beckoned. Late night horror movies when you’re alone in your apartment are never a good idea (re: The Ring, Gothika), but I nonetheless popped it in my DVD player. I haven’t seen a genuinely scary thriller in awhile (The Haunting of Molly Hartley was a miserable failure), and my hopes weren’t too high for The Uninvited, but I was pleasantly surprised by decent acting, a solid plot, and a twist faintly reminiscent of 2005’s De Niro psychological thriller Hide and Seek. I have a lame tendency to watch horror movies with one eye open and thus not really commit/allow myself to get scared, but I became pretty fully immersed in The Uninvited. The horror/thriller hybrid pulled me in. Elizabeth Banks is convincingly creepy, and Emily Browning plays Anna well. Definitely not a movie to write home about, but with so many young adult horror movies bombing, this was a pleasant surprise. I give it a B-.

“Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.”

June 12, 2009

As I’ve mentioned previously, something about summertime makes me want to go to the movies. Maybe it’s the extreme air conditioning that is a welcome change from the heat (at least for the first 15 minutes), the notion that the summer was meant for blockbusters, or even just that with minimal work to do after quitting time, wasting 2 hours in a movies theatre is a welcome activity. I’m going to see “The Taking of Pelham 123” tonight and am slightly apprehensive; the Travolta-Washington double team sounds too good to be true. I’ve come across a lot of skeptical media but am too nervous to read it; I already bought the tickets and I want to see for myself.

I’ve been frequenting the local cinemas, but have also been burning through my Netflix queue; with a 4-at-a-time Unlimited monthly plan and basic cable as my only other option, I’ve been watching a lot of movies.

Marley & Me: A-
It’s funny, and sad, and heartwarming simultaneously. I suggest locking yourself in your room with a family size box of Kleenex and planning on wearing sunglasses to work the next day.

(480): The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That’s the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian: B-
So disappointing in comparison to the first one, but I did enjoy the ending.

Failure to Launch: B
I’ve seen it before, and I’ll probably see it again; Matthew McConaughey, Justin Bartha, Bradley Cooper and Zooey Deschanel round out the cast in an easy to watch romcom. SJP; I love you in Sex & the City, but why must you act like Carrie in every role?!

Paula: Hey, hey.
Kit: Hey, Paula. Good news. It’s Champagne Thursday.
Paula: It’s Friday.
Kit: Uh, yeah, Thursday came twice this week.
Paula: For the third straight week.
Kit: There’s talk of making it permanent.
Paula: Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving’s Time?
Kit: Right, but for booze.

Friday After Next: C
I watched it to appease my boyfriend after a long day at work. I fell asleep somewhere between Ice Cube’s fat cheeks and Katt Williams overdone “big pimpin’.” Not for me

Bride Wars: B
Let me begin by admitting that although I love Kate Hudson, I am NOT an Anne Hathaway fan. She lost a ton of weight and now looks all skinny and pouty and pinched. I was resisting this movie for the first 45 minutes, but it won me over in the second half. It was predictable, and I wouldn’t see it again, but I enjoyed it. For a quality Hathaway film also involving marriage, see Rachel Getting Married. Seriously awesome.

Emma: [to Liv] Your wedding’s gonna be huge, just like your ass at prom.
Liv: Your wedding can suck it.

One Missed Call: C+
Amazing concept, must you sh*t all over it? This movie got real weird, real fast…and stupidly so. I don’t mean to be cliche but…FAIL.

The Bucket List: B+
This was a moving story about the last chapter of two men’s lives. If you’re in a pensive mood, pop this into your DVD player and snuggle up under a blanket.

Edward Cole: We live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round.

Valkyrie: B-
I was enticed by the cinematography and the feeling of it….enter Tom Cruise. Need I say more?

Paul Blart: Mall Cop: B-
People raved about this movie, but I just didn’t get it. I’m a huge fan of Kevin james, and his performance was solid, but the material was rather lackluster. If you want to laugh, watch the previews or go see the Hangover. Leave this at the movie store.

Paul Blart: This lemonade is insane!
Vijay: That’s because it’s a Margarita, Paul.

The Day the Earth Stood Still: B
Say what you want about Keanu Reeves, but he is a modern day king of Sci-Fi. His creepy robotic-ness lent perfectly to this role. Bonus: Will Smith’s adorable sun is in it

Doubt: A-
This was an intense and well acted movie. I’m not always one for drama, but I enjoyed the simplicity of it, and the overarching theme. I’m not a huge fan of Amy Adams, but Hoffman, Streep, and Davis were fantastic.

Father Brendan Flynn: You haven’t the slightest proof of anything!
Sister Aloysius Beauvier: But I have my certainty!

Transformers: B+
I realize that it is a little ridiculous that I hadn’t seen this movie until about a month ago, but I refused to see it when everyone was jizzing in their pants in wonder summer 2007. I am glad I saw it so I’m ready for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen June 24th.

Notorious: A-
I realize that giving this movie the same rating that I’m giving Doubt seems like blasphemy, but I truly enjoyed this movie. I had it for a couple of weeks before I finally consented to watching it, and I was pleasantly surprised by how well done and moving the biopic was.

Lil Kim: Whatever you say, Big Poppa.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley: F
If someone tries to pop this in at a slumber party/during date night/whaever…RUN. Or better yet, burn the movie in its case. Worthless.