“I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.”

October 31, 2009

Halloween Survival Guide

The following are tips for any character in a horror film. If you do happen to find yourself in a horror film someday, use these tips wisely and you may make it out alive. Until the sequel that is…

Survival Tips:

1. When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

3. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.

4. If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town’s old abandoned mansion, don’t tag along. Especially don’t tag along if everyone’s going as couples, except you’re the odd guy/gal out. And if you’re the gang’s jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you’re driving with them to the place.

8. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

9. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

10. Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

11. Never pick up hitchhikers.

12. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

13. In fact they won’t actually “be right back.”

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“Horror films seem to always take place at night and the weather’s always bad.” – Friday the 13th

August 15, 2009

Friday the 13th Essential Stats

Runtime: 97 minutes
Hot Cast Members: Jared Padalecki (of Supernatural fame) & Travis Van Winkle (the douche in Accepted…and this movie)
Death Count: 13
Boob Count: 6

…for the record, all of the boobs in the Playboy Mansion couldn’t have saved this movie. Even Padalecki, professional hottie and all around good guy, couldn’t save this movie. To say it was formulaic is a rash understatement. Girls, if you take your top off, you’re going to get killed. Guys, stop initiating trips to strange/deserted places with your best friends for a good time. Everyone, if the lights go out, the phones die, and the cop winds up dead, splitting up to investigate is a bad idea. Curiosity killed the cat…and the main characters in Jeepers Creepers, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Final Destination, The Ring, and their sequels.

friday

I’m writing it off as another failed teen slasher flick.